The Sorrows of a Show Girl | Page 7

that he was a
press agent. Ain't it scandalous the way the Friars wine and dine the
dramatists every few weeks? I tried to agitate a bunch for the chorus
girls to give a dinner to Ben Teal or William Seymour, but while they
were all willing to be in on the big eat the way they ducked the
financial responsibilities would have made you think it was a

half-salary clause.
"The other day I put my ear to the ground and then cavorted madly
around to Mr. Savage's office to see if there was anything doing in the
'Merry Widow' line. The handsome gentleman on the other side of the
desk allowed a ripple of merriment to float over his features and then
spake as follows: 'All we got to do is to toll the bell in the old church
tower and nine companies will answer like the fire department.' You
know I could have gone with the Paris 'Prince of Pilson' company, but
those French gentlemen are so emotional. One tried to bite my ear in
Jack's the other night.
"Did I tell you about Mamie de Vere becoming a bride again? She
believes in marrying at leisure and divorcing in haste. The justice of the
peace that always ties her nuptial knot told her that if she bought a
ticket she could save 50 cents per wedding and he would hand it to the
happy bridegroom as her dowry. Well, anyway they got maried after
the show, so that she wouldn't loose her job. I was maid of honor.
Honest I was. Don't it sound funny? And I carried her bouquet as the
bridal party marched up the hall to the office of the justice of the peace.
Just as he was about to pronounce the last sad rites a hurdy-gurdy
started playing 'Don't Get Married Any More, Ma,' with variations.
Well, it made Mamie so nervous. You know she always was a
hysterical creature. It made her so nervous that she had to have
Wilbur--that's her husband--go out and put a bug on the Ginny before
she would allow the flag to drop. Then we went out and had our
wedding breakfast. There were six or eight in the crowd, I don't rightly
remember which, for sometimes there would be only a few and then
again it would be a turbid throng.
"A couple of whisky sales gentlemen joined our little gathering and
proposed a race. You know I do so love athletic sports. I don't mean
prize fighters or ball players, but feats of strength. The whisky
gentlemen had a little the best start, for they had been running trial
heats. The way we staged that drinking number was a crime. How we
ended up I care not, neither do I spin. I can merely state that Mamie and
I slid for home in a sea-going taxicab, leaving Wilbur saying things to

the head waiter that no lady would listen to.
"Oh, say, are you here with any extra junk? No, this ain't no touch. But
if you have got a reckless bundle I know how you can double it in a
few weeks. A gentleman friend of mine was captain of a fake
wire-tapping game until he got put out of business by the hard times
and the lack of suckers--synonymous. He is selling stock of a
proposition that has anything from Goldfield chased back to the desert.
This is the scheme: Listerine. He's going to train carrier pigeons to rush
the growler. The Chorus Girls' Union have already elected him an
honorary vice-president. You see, he gets these birds and trains them to
carry the pail in their teeth and smell out the nearest saloon, even a
blind tiger--no matter where they are. Then he rents the birds out by the
dozen to the theatrical organizations--special rates to musical
comedies--so that all the poor merry-merry has to do if there is no
gentleman without is get a bird from the property man, beat it for the
furnished room, drop ten cents in the bucket, write a little note to the
bartender merely stating: 'Mother has company, so not so much foam,
please,' open the window and start the dove of peace on its mission of
happiness. You needn't be afraid of the pigeon sneaking up an alley and
drinking half of it and then coming back with the stall, 'The boss is on
tonight; there ain't no bellhop to tip and all the bird wants is three or
four grains of corn, mother, and its just as happy and care free as if you
opened wine. Won't that be a boon to humanity, though? If he don't get
a Carnegie medal things are run wrong. Another stunt he is going to
pull off is canned