Swingin Round the Cirkle. | Page 8

eye.
"Can't yoo make yoose uv sich a man ez me?" sez I, inquirinly.
"Certinly," sez he; "I kin and alluz hev. Its sich ez yoo I use to beet the
whigs with, and I am continyooally astonished to see how much work I
accomplish with sich dirty tools. My dear sir," sed he, pintin to the door,
"when I realize how many sich cusses ez yoo there is, and how cheap
they kin be bought up, I really tremble for the Republic."
I didn't get the office I wantid.
Yet ez much ez I love Washinton, I wuz forced to leave it. I mite hev
stayed there, but the trooth is, the planks uv that city and the pavements
are harder, and worse to sleep on, than those uv any other city in the
Yoonited Staits. I hed lived two months by passin myself off ez
Dimekratic Congressmen, but that cood only last a short time, there not
bein many uv that persuasion here to personate. I had gone the rounds
uv the House ez often ez it wuz safe, and one nite commenced on the
Senit. Goin into Willard's, I called for a go uv gin, wich the
gentlemanly and urbane bar keeper sot afore me, and I drank. "Put it
down with the rest uv mine," sez I, with a impressive wave uv the hand.
"Yoor name?" sez he.

Assoomin a intellectual look, I retorted, "Do you know Charles
Sumner?"
[Illustration: DO YOU KNOW CHARLES SUMNER?]
Here I overdid it; here vaultin ambition o'er-leaped herself. Hed I sed
"Saulsbury," it mite have ansered, but to give Sumner's name for a
drink uv gin wuz a peece uv lunacy for wich I kan't account. I wuz
ignominiously kicked into the street. Drinks obtained at the expense uv
bein kicked is cheep, but I don't want em on them terms; my pride
revolted, and so I emigrated. The gentlemanly and urbane conductors
uv the Pennsylvania Central passed me over their road. They did it with
the assistance uv two gentlemanly and urbane brakesmen, wich
dropped me tenderly across the track, out uv the hind eend uv the last
car.
I found here a church buildin, uv wich the congregation had bin mostly
killed in bushwhackin expeditions, and announsin myself ez a
constooshnel preacher from Noo Gersey, succeeded in drawin together
a highly respectable awjience last Sunday.
Takin for a text the passage, "The wagis uv sin is death," I opened out
ez follows:--
"Wat is sin? Sin, my beloved hearers, is any deviashen from yer normal
condishen. Yoor beloved pastor hez a stumick and a head, wich is in
close sympathy with each other, so much so, indeed, that the principal
biznis uv the head is to fill the stumick, and mighty close work its been
for many years, yoo bet. Let yoor beloved pastor drink, uv a nite, a
quart or two more than his yoosual allowance, more than his stumick
absolootely demands, and his head swells with indignashen. The excess
is sin, and the ache is the penalty.
"The wagis uv sin is death! Punishment and sin is ez unseperable ez the
shadder is from the man--one is ez shoor to foller the other ez the
assessor is to kum around--ez nite is to foller day. The Dimekratic party,
uv wich I am a ornament, hez experienced the trooth uv this text. When
Douglas switched off, he sinned, and ez a consekence, Linkin wuz

elected, and the Sceptre departed from Israel. When--"
At this pint in the discourse, a old man in the back part uv the house
ariz and interrupted me. He sed he hed a word to say on that subjick
which must be sed, and ef I interrupted him till he got through he'd
punch my hed; whereupon I let him go on.
"Trooly," sez he, "the wages of sin is deth. I hev alluz bin a Dimecrat.
The old Dimocracy hez bin in the service uv sin for thirty years, and the
assortment uv death it hez received for wages is trooly surprisin. Never
did a party commence better. Jaxon wus a honist man, who knew that
righteousnis wuz the nashun's best holt. But he died, and a host uv
tuppenny politicians, with his great name for capital, jumped into his
old clothes, an undertook to run the party. Ef the Dimocracy coold hev
elected a honist man every fourth or fifth term, they mite hev ground
along for a longer period, but alars! Jaxon wuz the last of that style we
hed, and so many dishonist cusses wuz then in the Capital that his ghost
coodent watch the half uv them.
"The fust installment uv deth we reseeved wuz when Harrison beet us.
The old pollytishens in our party didn't mind it, for, sez