The New Pun Book | Page 3

papa said was that you mustn't hang around here."
* * * * *
Don't doubt the veteran who tells you he was always where the bullets were thickest; perhaps he was hiding under the ammunition wagon.
* * * * *
MR. BIXBY--Have you noticed how much better I rest after a day's fishing?
MRS. BIXBY--No; but I have noticed how much easier you lie after a day's fishing than upon other days.
* * * * *
"Nature never allows anything to run to waist."
"Humph! You've never seen a Vermont girl of forty."
* * * * *
"What's the matter here?"
"Man broke his neck."
"What story did he fall from?"
"Didn't fall--tried to see the top of the building."
* * * * *
According to a florist's magazine "Jacks are becoming cheap." This may be true, but we have known men who would have been willing to pay $10 for one to put with the two already in their hands.
* * * * *
JOHNNY--What makes you look so tired?
TOMMY--My step-mother is sick end now I'll get licked before every meal. The doctor says she must take exercise on an empty stomach.
* * * * *
BROWN--"Peckhen has arrived safe. I just received a cablegram from him."
SMITH--"Did he have a rough voyage?"
BROWN--"No; his wife didn't go."
* * * * *
"Oh, live and let live, my man."
"Yes, I'd look well, wouldn't I? I'm a butcher."
* * * * *
SMITH--I notice that Robinson has an article in the paper this morning.
JONES--Indeed! I didn't see it. What was it?
SMITH--His spring overcoat. He was taking it to the tailor to be pressed and cleaned.
* * * * *
When Lot found his wife transformed into a pillar of salt, he was wise enough to let it go at that and not take a fresh one.
* * * * *
SOLOMAN SOLOMAN--Our frent Cohen must pe goin' t' haf a fire.
ISAAC ISAACS--Vy?
SOLOMAN SOLOMAN--Vell, he took oud an inshoorance bolicy yeste'day.
* * * * *
"A telephone girl always reminds me of a pictured saint."
"Why?"
"There is a continual 'hello' around her head."
* * * * *
A husband and wife are considered one, but it is useless to try to work that gag on the landlord when he presents the board bill.
* * * * *
"You haven't a cent, and yet wish to marry Miss Bilyan. Don't you expect her father to kick you out?"
"Oh, no I intend to go before the footlights."
* * * * *
YOUNG M.D.--That jig is up.
OLD M.D.--What do you mean?
YOUNG M.D.--That fellow with St. Vitus's dance died this morning.
* * * * *
"Do you think that as a rule people who attend theaters are superstitious?"
"Do I think so? I know it. I have seen people sit for an hour waiting for a ghost to walk."
"For that matter the actors themselves often wait longer than that."
* * * * *
"Here's an account of a hen which layed three eggs at once, and then died," remarked Mrs. Sumway.
"From over-eggsertion, probably," commented her husband.
* * * * *
"What is the best way to raise cabbage?"
"With a knife and fork."
* * * * *
"Why is Miss B---- wearing black?"
"She is in mourning for her husband."
"Why, she never had a husband!"
"No, that is why she mourns."
* * * * *
"Dearest," she murmured, "I'm so afraid you'll change."
"Darling," he answered, "you'll never find any change about me."
* * * * *
"What's the matter here?" asked a stranger of a small boy, as he noticed a large wedding party coming out of a church on Fifth avenue.
"Nawthin' but the tied goin' out."
* * * * *
Oh, the sadness of her sadness when she's sad! Oh, the gladness of her gladness when she's glad! But the sadness of her sadness, And the gladness of her gladness, Are nothing to her madness when she's mad!
* * * * *
"Is it raining, girls?"
"No," broke in Cumso; "only cats and dogs."
* * * * *
GUEST--What have you got?
WAITER--I've got liver, calf's brains, pig's feet--
GUEST--Hold up there! I don't want a description of your physical peculiarities. What have you got to eat is what I want to know.
* * * * *
STRANGER--"Boy, can you direct me to the bank?"
BOY--"I kin for a quarter."
STRANGER--"A quarter! Isn't that high pay?"
BOY--"Yes, sir; but it's bank directors what gits high pay, you see, sir!"
* * * * *
"It's very puzzling," said a worried looking woman to one of her neighbors.
"What's that?"
"I can't tell whether Willie is corrupting the parrot or whether the parrot is corrupting Willie."
* * * * *
PLAYWRIGHT--"There is a great climax in the last act. Just as two burglars climb in the kitchen window the clock strikes one; then----"
MANAGER CONN--"Be more explicit. Which one did the clock strike?"
* * * * *
"I sent a dollar last week" said the Good thing, "in answer to that advertisement offering a method of saving one-half my gas bills."
"And you got----"
"A printed slip