The New Pun Book | Page 2

* * * *
"I'm nearly starved. Just got in from a three-hour trip on the New York Central."
"But couldn't you get anything to eat on the train?"
"Nope! It was a 'fast' train."
* * * * *
"What do you think of the statement that there are three hundred haunted houses in New York?" asked Mr. Knickerbocker.
"Oh," replied Jones, "that only ghost to show how plentiful spirits are here."
* * * * *
"I saw a big rat in my cook-stove and when I went for my revolver he ran out."
"Did you shoot him?"
"No. He was out of my range."
* * * * *
GREENE--"These wakes of yours are pretty boisterous affairs sometimes."
FINNEGAN--"Av coarse! Sure, we hav' t' make a great noise t' wake the dead."
* * * * *
"I see Dorkins has got all of his seven daughters married off."
"Yes, but he took advantage of his official position to effect it."
"How was that?"
"Why, he is chairman of the board of public works and he advertised for proposals."
* * * * *
"Are your folks well to do?"
"No. They're hard to do."
* * * * *
"If you should die, what would you do with your body?"
"I don't know."
"I'd sell mine to a medical student."
"Then you'd be giving yourself dead away."
* * * * *
"I was at the track to-day, Percy, and there was a horse down there with the itch. He came up to the post, and they scratched him."
* * * * *
HE--"Yes, she is living under an assumed name."
SHE--"Horrible! What is it?"
HE--"The one she assumed immediately after her husband married her!"
* * * * *
BIGGS--"I hear the jail was afire this morning?"
BAGGS--"Naw; it was only a sell."
* * * * *
Love they say is blind. Well: if so marriage must be an eye-opener.
* * * * *
"It doesn't do any good to scold the janitor about our cold rooms."
"Yes, it does. I get all warmed up when I talk to him."
* * * * *
"This liver is awful, Maud," said Mr. Newwed.
"I'm very sorry," returned the bride, "I'll tell the cook to speak to the livery-man about it."
* * * * *
"Who was the first one that came from the ark when it landed."
"Noah."
"You are wrong. Don't the good book tell us that Noah came forth? So there must have been three ahead of him."
* * * * *
RAILWAY CLERK--Another accident on the road to-day, sir.
MANAGER--Indeed; What now?
CLERK--Man dislocated his neck trying to read our new time table.
* * * * *
"I got your fare, didn't I?" asked the conductor.
"I believe not," the facetious passenger replied. "I think I saw you ring it up."
* * * * *
ISAACS--Undt suppose dey did send us a message from Mars, how could dey tell if we got it?
COHEN--Vell, dey mighd send it gollect undt see if ve paid for it.
* * * * *
HE--I'll go to-morrow and buy a diamond engagement ring.
SHE--Now, George, for the first time your talk has the true ring in it.
* * * * *
"I am told," said she, saucily, "that though you are a military man, you are afraid of powder."
"To prove that the assertion is calumnious," replied he, "I have only to do this."
Whereupon he lightly kissed her on the cheek, and his lips showed that he was not.
* * * * *
MRS. PENDERGAST (in disgust)--You call these shades alike! Is there anything you can match?
MR. PENDERGAST--Yes. Pennies.
* * * * *
Pressed for work--cider.
Never out of print--the calico counter.
* * * * *
"Is this a fire insurance office?"
"Yes, sir; can we write you some insurance?"
"Perhaps you can. You see, my employer threatens to fire me next Saturday, and I'd like some protection."
* * * * *
"We should never complain, whatever may befall us," said the minister. "The moment we grow dissatisfied we become unhappy."
"Do you really think so?" she sighed.
"Yes," returned the good man; "the first woman who complained of her Lot, was turned into a pillar of salt."
* * * * *
"Tommy," said mamma, tearfully, "it gives me as much pain as it does you to punish you."
TOMMY (also tearfully)--Mebbe it does, but not in the same place.
* * * * *
"I'll never ask another woman to marry me as long as I live!"
"Refused again?"
"No; accepted."
* * * * *
A wag who thought to have a joke at the expense of an Irish provision dealer said, "Can you supply me with a yard of pork?"
"Pat," said the dealer to his assistant, "give this gentleman three pig's feet."
* * * * *
"They say corporations have no soul."
"How about the Shoe Trust."
* * * * *
"Did your sweetheart receive you warmly last night?" asked one Pittsburg young man of another.
"No, but her father did."
"How was that?"
"He fired me."
* * * * *
"Permit me, then, to die at your feet!" he cried desperately.
She shivered.
"I see no objection to that," she answered. "All