The Bicyclers and Three Other Farces | Page 2

get out your ki-yi gun and shoot ammonia into the beast's
face. It doesn't hurt the dog, but it gives him something to think of. I'll
show you how the thing works. (Gets the gun from tool-box.) This is
the deadly weapon, and I'm the rider-- see? (Sits on a chair, with face to
back, and works imaginary pedals.) You're the dog. I'm passing the
farm-yard. Bow-wow! out you spring--grab me by the bone--I--ah--I
mean the leg. Pouf! I shoot you with ammonia. [Suits action to the
word.
Bradley (starting back). Hi, hold on! Don't squirt that infernal stuff at
me! My dear boy, get a grip on yourself. I'm not really a ki-yi, and
while I don't like bicyclists, their bones are safe from me. I won't bite

you.
Mrs. Perkins. Really--I think that's a very ingenious arrangement; don't
you, Mr. Bradley?
Bradley. I do, indeed. But, as long as we're talking about it, I must say I
think what Thaddeus really needs is a motormangun, to squirt ammonia,
or even beer, into the faces of these cable-car fellows. They're more
likely to interfere with him than dogs--don't you think?
Perkins. It's a first-rate idea, Brad. I'll suggest it to my agent.
Bradley. Your what?
Perkins (apologetically). Well, I call him my agent, although really I've
only bought this one wheel from him. He represents the Czar
Manufacturing Company.
Bradley. They make Czars, do they?
Perkins (with dignity). They make wheels. The man who owns the
company is named Czar. I refer to him as my agent, because from the
moment he learned I thought of buying a wheel he came and lived with
me. I couldn't get rid of him, and finally in self-defence I bought this
wheel. It was the only way I could get rid of him.
Bradley. Aha! That's the milk in the cocoanut. eh? Hadn't force of mind
to get rid of the agent. Couldn't say no. Humph! I wondered why you, a
man of sense, a man of dignity, a gentleman, should take up with this--
Perkins (angrily). See here, Brad, I like you very much, but I must say--
Mrs. Perkins (foreseeing a quarrel). Thaddeus! 'Sh! Ah, by-the- way,
Mr. Bradley, where is Emma this evening? I never knew you to be
separated before.
Bradley (sorrowfully). This is the first time, Mrs. Perkins. Fact is, we'd
intended calling on you to-night, and I dressed as you see me. Emma
was in proper garb too, but when she saw what a beautiful night it was,

she told me to go ahead, and she--By Jove! it almost makes me weep!
Perkins. She wasn't taken ill?
Bradley. No--worse. She said: "You go down on the ' L.' I'll bike. It's
such a splendid night." Fine piece of business this! To have a bicycle
come between man and wife is a pretty hard fate, I think--for the one
who doesn't ride.
Mrs. Perkins. Then Emma is coming here?
Bradley. That's the idea, on her wheel--coming down the Boulevard,
across Seventy-second Street, through the Park, down Madison, across
Twenty-third, down Fourth to Twenty-first, then here.
Perkins. Bully ride that.
Mrs. Perkins. Alone?
Bradley (sadly). I hope so--but these bicyclists have a way of flocking
together. For all I know, my beloved Emma may now be coasting down
Murray Hill escorted by some bicycle club from Jersey City.
Mrs. Perkins. Oh dear--Mr. Bradley!
Bradley. Oh, it's all right, I assure you, Mrs. Perkins. Perfectly right and
proper. It's merely part of the exercise, don't you know. There's a
hail-fellow-well-metness about enthusiastic bicyclists, and Emma is
intensely enthusiastic. It gives her a chance, you know, and Emma has
always wanted a chance. Independence is a thing she's been after ever
since she got her freedom, and now, thanks to the wheel, she's got it
again, and even I must admit it's harmless. Funny she doesn't get here
though (looking at his watch); she's had time to come down twice.
[Bicycle bells are heard ringing without.
Mrs. Perkins. Maybe that is she now. Go and see, will you, Thaddeus?
[Exit Perkins.

Perkins (without), That you, Mrs. Bradley?
[Mrs. Perkins and Bradley listen intently.
Two Male Voices. No; it's us, Perk. Got your wheel?
Bradley and Mrs. Perkins. Where can she be?
Enter Perkins with Barlow and Yardsley.
They both greet Mrs. Perkins.
Yardsley. Hullo, Brad! You going to have a lesson too?
Barlow. Dressed for it, aren't you, by Jove! Nothing like a dinner coat
for a bicycle ride. Your coat-tails don't catch in the gear.
Bradley (severely). I haven't taken it up--fact is, I don't care for fads.
Have you seen my wife?
Yardsley. Yes--saw her the other night at the academy. Rides mighty
well, too, Brad. Don't wonder you don't take it up. Contrast, you
know--eh, Perk? Fearful thing for a