The Bicyclers and Three Other Farces

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The Bicyclers and Three Other
Farces

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by John Kendrick Bangs
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Title: The Bicyclers and Three Other Farces
Author: John Kendrick Bangs
Release Date: March 30, 2004 [eBook #11759]
Language: English
Character set encoding: US-ASCII
***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK BICYCLERS
AND THREE OTHER FARCES***
Transcribed by David Price, email [email protected]

THE BICYCLERS AND THREE OTHER FARCES

Contents: The Bicyclers A Dramatic Evening The Fatal Message A
Proposal Under Difficulties

THE BICYCLERS

CHARACTERS:
MR. ROBERT YARDSLEY, an expert. MR. JACK BARLOW,
another. MR. THADDEUS PERKINS, a beginner. MR. EDWARD
BRADLEY, a scoffer. MRS. THADDEUS PERKINS, a resistant. MRS.
EDWARD BRADLEY, an enthusiast. JENNIE, a maid.
The scene is laid in the drawing-room of Mr. and Mrs. Thaddeus
Perkins, at No. --- Gramercy Square. It is late October; the action
begins at 8.30 o'clock on a moonlight evening. The curtain rising
discloses Mr. and Mrs. Perkins sitting together. At right is large
window facing on square. At rear is entrance to drawing-room. Leaning
against doorway is a safety bicycle. Perkins is clad in bicycle garb.
Perkins. Well, Bess, I'm in for it now, and no mistake. Bob and Jack are
coming to-night to give me my first lesson in biking.
Mrs. Perkins. I'm very glad of it, Thaddeus. I think it will do you a
world of good. You've been working too hard of late, and you need
relaxation.
Perkins (doubtfully). I know that--but--from what I can gather, learning
to ride a wheel isn't the most restful thing in the world. There's a good
deal of lying down about it; but it comes with too great suddenness;
that is, so Charlie Cheeseborough says. He learned up at the Academy,
and he told me that he spent most of his time making dents in the floor
with his head.

Mrs. Perkins. Well, I heard differently. Emma Bradley learned there at
the same time he did, and she said he spent most of his time making
dents in the floor with other people's heads. Why, really, he drove all
the ladies to wearing those odious Psyche knots. The time he ran into
Emma, if she hadn't worn her back hair that way she'd have fractured
her skull.
Perkins. Ha, ha! They all tell the same story. Barlow said he always
wore a beaver hat while Cheeseborough was on the floor, so that if
Charlie ran into him and he took a header his brain wouldn't suffer.
Mrs. Perkins. Nevertheless, Mr. Cheeseborough learned more quickly
than any one else in the class.
Perkins. So Barlow said--because he wasn't eternally in his own way,
as he was in every one else's. (A ring is heard at the front door.) Ah! I
guess that's Bob and Jack.
Enter Jennie.
Jennie. Mr. Bradley, ma'am.
Perkins. Bradley? Wonder what the deuce he's come for? He'll guy the
life out of me. (Enter Bradley. He wears a dinner coat.) Ah, Brad, old
chap, how are you? Glad to see you.
Bradley. Good-evening, Mrs. Perkins. This your eldest? [With a nod at
Perkins.
Mrs. Perkins. My eldest?
Bradley. Yes--judged from his togs it was your boy. What! Can it be?
You! Thaddeus?
Perkins. That's who I am.
Bradley. When did you go into short trousers?
Perkins (with a feeble laugh, glancing at his clothes). Oh, these-- ha, ha!

I'm taking up the bicycle. Even if it weren't for the exhilaration of
riding, it's a luxury to wear these clothes. Old flannel shirt, old coat, old
pair of trousers shortened to the knee, and golf stockings. I've had these
golf stockings two years, and never had a chance to wear 'em till now.
Bradley. You've got it bad, haven't you? How many lessons have you
had?
Perkins. None yet. Fact is, just got my wheel--that's it over there by the
door--pneumatic tires, tool-chest, cyclometer, lamp--all for a hun.
Bradley (with a laugh). How about life-insurance? Do they throw in a
policy for that? They ought to.
Perkins. No--but they would if I'd insisted. Competition between
makers is so great, they'll give you most anything to induce a bargain.
The only thing they really gave me extra is the ki-yi gun.
Mrs. Perkins. The what?
Perkins. Ki-yi gun--it shoots dogs. Dog comes out, catches sight of
your leg--
Bradley. Mistakes it for a bone and grabs--eh?
Perkins. Well--I fancy that's about the size of it. You can't very well get
off, so you