Tartarin of Tarascon | Page 5

that bites, claws, scalps, whoops,
and yells -- the Sioux Indians dancing around the war- stake to which
the unfortunate pale-face prisoner is lashed. The grizzly of the Rocky
Mountains, who wobbles on his hind legs, and licks himself with a
tongue full of blood. The Touareg, too, in the desert, the Malay pirate,
the brigand of the Abruzzi -- in short, "they" was warfare, travel,
adventure, and glory.

But, alas!! it was to no avail that the fearless Tarasconer called for and
defied them; never did they come. Odsboddikins! what would they
have come to do in Tarascon?
Nevertheless Tartarin always expected to run up against them,
particularly some evening in going to the club.

V. How Tartarin went round to his club.
LITTLE, indeed, beside Tartarin of Tarascon, arming himself capa- pie
to go to his club at nine, an hour after the retreat had sounded on the
bugle, was the Templar Knight preparing for a sortie upon the infidel,
the Chinese tiger equipping himself for combat, or the Comanche
warrior painting up for going on the war-path. "All hands make ready
for action!" as the men-of-war's men say.
In his left hand Tartarin took a steel-pointed knuckle-duster; in the right
he carried a sword-cane; in his left pocket a life-preserver; in the right a
revolver. On his chest, betwixt outer and under garment, lay a Malay
kreese. But never any poisoned arrows -- they are weapons altogether
too unfair.
Before starting, in the silence and obscurity of his study, he exercised
himself for a while, warding off imaginary cuts and thrusts, lunging at
the wall, and giving his muscles play; then he took his master-key and
went through the garden leisurely; without hurrying, mark you. "Cool
and calm -- British courage, that is the true sort, gentlemen." At the
garden end he opened the heavy iron door, violently and abruptly so
that it should slam against the outer wall. If "they" had been skulking
behind it, you may wager they would have been jam. Unhappily, they
were not there.
The way being open, out Tartarin would sally, quickly glancing to the
right and left, ere banging the door to and fastening it smartly with
double-locking. Then, on the way.
Not so much as a cat upon the Avignon road -- all the doors closed, and

no lights in the casements. All was black, except for the parish lamps,
well spaced apart, blinking in the river mist.
Calm and proud, Tartarin of Tarascon marched on in the night, ringing
his heels with regularity, and sending sparks out of the paving-stones
with the ferule of his stick. Whether in avenues, streets, or lanes, he
took care to keep in the middle of the road -- an excellent method of
precaution, allowing one to see danger coming, and, above all, to avoid
any droppings from windows, as happens after dark in Tarascon and
the Old Town of Edinburgh. On seeing so much prudence in Tartarin,
pray do not conclude that Tartarin had any fear -- dear, no! he only was
on his guard.
The best proof that Tartarin was not scared is, that instead of going to
the club by the shortest cut, he went over the town by the longest and
darkest way round, through a mass of vile, paltry alleys, at the mouth of
which the Rhone could be seen ominously gleaming. The poor knight
constantly hoped that, beyond the turn of one of these cut-throats'
haunts, "they" would leap from the shadow and fall on his back. I
warrant you, "they" would have been warmly received, though; but,
alack! by reason of some nasty meanness of destiny, never indeed did
Tartarin of Tarascon enjoy the luck to meet any ugly customers -- not
so much as a dog or a drunken man -- nothing at all!
Still, there were false alarms somewhiles. He would catch a sound of
steps and muffled voices.
"Ware hawks!" Tartarin would mutter, and stop short, as if taking root
on the spot, scrutinising the gloom, sniffing the wind, even glueing his
ear to the ground in the orthodox Red Indian mode. The steps would
draw nearer, and the voices grow more distinct, till no more doubt was
possible. "They" were coming -- in fact, here "they" were!
Steady, with eye afire and heaving breast, Tartarin would gather
himself like a jaguar in readiness to spring forward whilst uttering his
war-cry, when, all of a sudden, out of the thick of the murkiness, he
would hear honest Tarasconian voices quite tranquilly hailing him
with:

"Hullo! you, by Jove! it's Tartarin! Good night, old fellow!"
Maledictions upon it! It was the chemist Bezuquet, with his family,
coming from singing their family ballad at Costecalde's.
"Oh, good even, good even!" Tartarin would growl, furious at his
blunder,