My Lady Nicotine | Page 8

will be as curious about Northampton as
he would have been about Nottingham, and that Bradlaugh and
Labouchere and boots will serve his turn quite as well as Broadhurst
and lace and Robin Hood. But that is not so. Beginning on
Northampton in the most confident manner, it suddenly flashes across
him that he has mistaken Northampton for Nottingham. "How foolish
of me!" he says. I maintain a severe silence. He is annoyed. My
experience of talkers tells me that nothing annoys them so much as a
blunder of this kind. From the coldly polite way in which I have taken
the talker's remarks, he discovers the value I put upon them, and after
that, if he has a neighbor on the other side, he leaves me alone.
Enough has been said to show that the Arcadian's golden rule is to be
careful about what he says. This does not mean that he is to say nothing.
As society is at present constituted you are bound to make an
occasional remark. But you need not make it rashly. It has been said
somewhere that it would be well for talkative persons to count twenty,
or to go over the alphabet, before they let fall the observation that
trembles on their lips. The non-talker has no taste for such an
unintellectual exercise. At the same time he must not hesitate too long,
for, of course, it is to his advantage to introduce the subject. He ought
to think out a topic of which his neighbor will not be able to make very
much. To begin on the fall of snow, or the number of tons of turkeys
consumed on Christmas Day, as stated in the Daily Telegraph, is to
deserve your fate. If you are at a dinner-party of men only, take your
host aside, and in a few well-considered sentences find out from him
what kind of men you are to sit between during dinner. Perhaps one of

them is an African traveller. A knowledge of this prevents your playing
into his hands, by remarking that the papers are full of the relief of
Emin Pasha. These private inquiries will also save you from talking
about Mr. Chamberlain to a neighbor who turns out to be the son of a
Birmingham elector. Allow that man his chance, and he will not only
give you the Birmingham gossip, but what individual electors said
about Mr. Chamberlain to the banker or the tailor, and what the grocer
did the moment the poll was declared, with particulars about the
antiquity of Birmingham and the fishing to be had in the neighborhood.
What you ought to do is to talk about Emin Pasha to this man, and to
the traveller about Mr. Chamberlain, taking care, of course, to speak in
a low voice. In that way you may have comparative peace. Everything,
however, depends on the calibre of your neighbors. If they agree to
look upon you as an honorable antagonist, and so to fight fair, the
victory will be to him who deserves it; that is to say, to the craftier man
of the two. But talkers, as a rule, do not fight fair. They consider silent
men their prey. It will thus be seen that I distinguish between talkers,
admitting that some of them are worse than others. The lowest in the
social scale is he who stabs you in the back, as it were, instead of
crossing swords. If one of the gentlemen introduced to you is of that
type, he will not be ashamed to say, "Speaking of Emin Pasha, I
wonder if Mr. Chamberlain is interested in the relief expedition. I don't
know if I told you that my father----" and there he is, fairly on
horseback. It is seldom of any use to tempt him into other channels.
Better turn to your traveller and let him describe the different routes to
Egyptian Equatorial Provinces, with his own views thereon. Allow him
even to draw a map of Africa with a fork on the table-cloth. A talker of
this kind is too full of his subject to insist upon answering questions, so
that he does not trouble you much. It is his own dinner that is spoiled
rather than yours. Treat in the same way as the Chamberlain talker the
man who sits down beside you and begins, "Remarkable man, Mr.
Gladstone."
There was a ventilator in my room, which sometimes said "Crik-crik!"
reminding us that no one had spoken for an hour. Occasionally,
however, we had lapses of speech, when Gilray might tell over
again--though not quite as I mean to tell it--the story of his first pipeful

of the Arcadia, or Scrymgeour, the travelled man, would give us the list
of famous places in Europe where he had smoked.