A Modest Proposal | Page 4

handicraft or agriculture; we neither build houses, (I
mean in the country) nor cultivate land: they can very seldom pick up a
livelihood by stealing till they arrive at six years old; except where they
are of towardly parts, although I confess they learn the rudiments much
earlier; during which time they can however be properly looked upon
only as probationers: As I have been informed by a principal gentleman
in the county of Cavan, who protested to me, that he never knew above
one or two instances under the age of six, even in a part of the kingdom
so renowned for the quickest proficiency in that art.
I am assured by our merchants, that a boy or a girl before twelve years
old, is no saleable commodity, and even when they come to this age,
they will not yield above three pounds, or three pounds and half a
crown at most, on the exchange; which cannot turn to account either to
the parents or kingdom, the charge of nutriments and rags having been
at least four times that value.
I shall now therefore humbly propose my own thoughts, which I hope
will not be liable to the least objection.
I have been assured by a very knowing American of my acquaintance
in London, that a young healthy child well nursed, is, at a year old, a
most delicious nourishing and wholesome food, whether stewed,
roasted, baked, or boiled; and I make no doubt that it will equally serve

in a fricasie, or a ragoust.
I do therefore humbly offer it to publick consideration, that of the
hundred and twenty thousand children, already computed, twenty
thousand may be reserved for breed, whereof only one fourth part to be
males; which is more than we allow to sheep, black cattle, or swine,
and my reason is, that these children are seldom the fruits of marriage,
a circumstance not much regarded by our savages, therefore, one male
will be sufficient to serve four females. That the remaining hundred
thousand may, at a year old, be offered in sale to the persons of quality
and fortune, through the kingdom, always advising the mother to let
them suck plentifully in the last month, so as to render them plump, and
fat for a good table. A child will make two dishes at an entertainment
for friends, and when the family dines alone, the fore or hind quarter
will make a reasonable dish, and seasoned with a little pepper or salt,
will be very good boiled on the fourth day, especially in winter.
I have reckoned upon a medium, that a child just born will weigh 12
pounds, and in a solar year, if tolerably nursed, encreaseth to 28
pounds.
I grant this food will be somewhat dear, and therefore very proper for
landlords, who, as they have already devoured most of the parents,
seem to have the best title to the children.
Infant's flesh will be in season throughout the year, but more plentiful
in March, and a little before and after; for we are told by a grave author,
an eminent French physician, that fish being a prolifick dyet, there are
more children born in Roman Catholick countries about nine months
after Lent, the markets will be more glutted than usual, because the
number of Popish infants, is at least three to one in this kingdom, and
therefore it will have one other collateral advantage, by lessening the
number of Papists among us.
I have already computed the charge of nursing a beggar's child (in
which list I reckon all cottagers, labourers, and four-fifths of the
farmers) to be about two shillings per annum, rags included; and I
believe no gentleman would repine to give ten shillings for the carcass

of a good fat child, which, as I have said, will make four dishes of
excellent nutritive meat, when he hath only some particular friend, or
his own family to dine with him. Thus the squire will learn to be a good
landlord, and grow popular among his tenants, the mother will have
eight shillings neat profit, and be fit for work till she produces another
child.
Those who are more thrifty (as I must confess the times require) may
flea the carcass; the skin of which, artificially dressed, will make
admirable gloves for ladies, and summer boots for fine gentlemen.
As to our City of Dublin, shambles may be appointed for this purpose,
in the most convenient parts of it, and butchers we may be assured will
not be wanting; although I rather recommend buying the children alive,
and dressing them hot from the knife, as we do roasting pigs.
A very worthy person, a true lover of his country, and whose virtues I
highly esteem, was lately pleased, in discoursing on this