A Journey from this World to the Next | Page 9

the upper end of a table, on which was
an immense sum of money, disposed in several heaps, every one of
which would have purchased the honor of some patriots and the
chastity of some prudes. The moment he saw us he turned pale, and
sighed, as well apprehending our business. Mine host accosted him
with a familiar air, which at first surprised me, who so well
remembered the respect I had formerly seen paid this lord by men
infinitely superior in quality to the person who now saluted him in the
following manner: "Here, you lord, and be dam--d to your little
sneaking soul, tell out your money, and supply your betters with what
they want. Be quick, sirrah, or I'll fetch the beadle to you. Don't fancy
yourself in the lower world again, with your privilege at your a--." He
then shook a cane at his lordship, who immediately began to tell out his
money, with the same miserable air and face which the miser on our
stage wears while he delivers his bank-bills. This affected some of us
so much that we had certainly returned with no more than what would
have been sufficient to fee the porters, had not our host, perceiving our
compassion, begged us not to spare a fellow who, in the midst of
immense wealth, had always refused the least contribution to charity.
Our hearts were hardened with this reflection, and we all filled our
pockets with his money. I remarked a poetical spirit, in particular, who

swore he would have a hearty gripe at him: "For," says he, "the rascal
not only refused to subscribe to my works, but sent back my letter
unanswered, though I am a better gentleman than himself." We now
returned from this miserable object, greatly admiring the propriety as
well as justice of his punishment, which consisted, as our host informed
us, merely in the delivering forth his money; and, he observed, we
could not wonder at the pain this gave him, since it was as reasonable
that the bare parting with money should make him miserable as that the
bare having money without using it should have made him happy.
Other tie-wig porters (for those we had summoned before refused to
visit us again) now attended us; and we having fee'd them the instant
they entered the room, according to the instructions of our host, they
bowed and smiled, and offered to introduce us to whatever disease we
pleased.
We set out several ways, as we were all to pay our respects to different
ladies. I directed my porter to show me to the Fever on the Spirits,
being the disease which had delivered me from the flesh. My guide and
I traversed many streets, and knocked at several doors, but to no
purpose. At one, we were told, lived the Consumption; at another, the
Maladie Alamode, a French lady; at the third, the Dropsy; at the fourth,
the Rheumatism; at the fifth, Intemperance; at the sixth, Misfortune. I
was tired, and had exhausted my patience, and almost my purse; for I
gave my porter a new fee at every blunder he made: when my guide,
with a solemn countenance, told me he could do no more; and marched
off without any farther ceremony.
He was no sooner gone than I met another gentleman with a ticket, i. e.,
an amber-headed cane in his hand. I first fee'd him, and then acquainted
him with the name of the disease. He cast himself for two or three
minutes into a thoughtful posture, then pulled a piece of paper out of
his pocket, on which he wrote something in one of the Oriental
languages, I believe, for I could not read a syllable: he bade me carry it
to such a particular shop, and, telling me it would do my business, he
took his leave.
Secure, as I now thought myself, of my direction, I went to the shop,

which very much resembled an apothecary's. The person who officiated,
having read the paper, took down about twenty different jars, and,
pouring something out of every one of them, made a mixture, which he
delivered to me in a bottle, having first tied a paper round the neck of it,
on which were written three or four words, the last containing eleven
syllables. I mentioned the name of the disease I wanted to find out, but
received no other answer than that he had done as he was ordered, and
the drugs were excellent. I began now to be enraged, and, quitting the
shop with some anger in my countenance, I intended to find out my inn,
but, meeting in the way a porter whose countenance had in it something
more pleasing than ordinary, I resolved to try once more, and