principles for dating | Page 3

our time together?” If you can answer yes, you
have the makings of a healthy relationship.
A second indicator comes by looking at the relationships around you. Look at your relationships with
your friends, your parents, your pastor, and older mentors. Are these relationships being strengthened or
weakened as a result of your dating relationship? In a healthy relationship, these friendships are
strengthened. In unhealthy dating relationships, the couple often isolates itself from others.
This is unhealthy for several reasons. One person cannot meet all your needs. There will come the time
when you need other friends. Yet, unless you take the time to build other relationships now, later when
you need the friendship of others, they may not be there. Often, one person in the relationship will try to
dominate the time of the other. Because this person is insecure, they will be very possessive of the other.
This leads to a relationship built on selfishness, distrust, and insecurity. When I see relationships
deteriorating between the dating couple and their parents, older mentors, or pastors, it is often because the
dating couple has something to hide. Dishonesty to parents and others is not a foundation for solid
relationships. Integrity, sincerity, and truth are the marks of a healthy relationship. Couples in a healthy
relationship have nothing to hide from those who care about them. When I was involved in unhealthy
relationships, I saw key relationships around me deteriorate. As hard as I tried, they continued to decline
and soon I knew this relationship was not of the Lord. When I began dating Kris, my wife, our
relationships with family, friends, and disciplers grew stronger. Both our parents felt good about us, and
our friends enjoyed our company because together we were better in the Lord.
If you are in a healthy relationship, both of you will be growing in character and in the Lord, and your
relationships with other people will be enhanced and strengthened.
How Far is too Far?
When I speak on dating, one of the most frequently asked questions is “How far is too far?” In other
words, “How physical can I get with my date and still be obedient to God?” The answer is found in Paul’s
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Principles for Dating


exhortation to young Timothy in 1 Timothy 5:1-2. “Treat younger men as brothers, older women as
mothers, and younger women as sisters, with absolute purity.”
When asked, “How far is too far?” I respond to the guys, “How far would you go with your own sister?”
To the girls I say, “How far would you go with your own brother?” Usually the crowd will respond with
looks of disgust. Paul’s words remain clear. As Christians, we are now part of one family belonging to the
kingdom of God. He says to the men to treat younger women as sisters with absolute purity. There should
not be even a hint of sexual immorality in the dating relationship. Women are to likewise treat men as
their own brothers. Righteousness should be the hallmark of Christian dating relationships.
My basic guideline is this: the more physically involved the dating relationship, the worse off it is. That
flies in the face of the world, which teaches the opposite. Over the years, as a pastor of students, I have
seen many relationships destroyed because the couples were too physically involved.
In marriage, sex is the most intimate expression of committed love, which binds two people together.
Outside of marriage, it has the opposite effect. It becomes a hindrance to the development of mature love.
Sex hinders the development of solid communication. The ability to communicate at a deep level is vital
in a relationship. Couples must be able to solve difficult problems, discuss deep issues, resolve conflict,
and pray together. To think a kiss or a hug can solve a conflict rather than communicating and praying
together is like putting a Band-Aid on a broken bone.
Solid relationships are built on mutual trust and respect. When sex enters the picture, trust and respect can
be lost. When a guy pushes a girl too far, she loses her trust in him. Her trust has resulted in her
exploitation. The guy loses respect for the girl, knowing she is willing to give up her honor\
, self-respect,
and virginity for passionate lust. When trust and respect is lost, not much remains in the relationship.
However, when a couple makes the commitment to wait until marriage, a strong mutual trust develops
which carries over into the marriage. Security and harmony define the relationship because both know the
other will remain faithful even in difficult times.
Should one partner even be disfigured in an accident, the other will be there because they have a proven
commitment. Mutual respect is developed when both