The Wit and Humor of America, Volume VII

The Wit and Humor of America,
Volume VII.
by Various

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Volume VII.
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Title: The Wit and Humor of America, Volume VII. (of X.)
Author: Various
Editor: Marshall P. Wilder
Release Date: September 18, 2006 [EBook #19325]
Language: English
Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
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Library Edition
THE WIT AND HUMOR OF AMERICA
In Ten Volumes
VOL. VII

[Illustration: GEORGE ADE]

THE WIT AND HUMOR OF AMERICA
EDITED BY MARSHALL P. WILDER
Volume VII
Funk & Wagnalls Company New York and London
Copyright MDCCCCVII, BOBBS-MERRILL COMPANY Copyright
MDCCCCXI, THE THWING COMPANY

CONTENTS
PAGE Alphabet of Celebrities Oliver Herford 1243 Assault and
Battery Joseph G. Baldwin 1391 Associated Widows, The Katharine M.
Roof 1338 Bill Nations Bill Arp 1368 Brakeman at Church, The Robert
J. Burdette 1323 Breitmann and the Turners Charles Godfrey Leland
1217 By Bay and Sea John Kendrick Bangs 1367 Camp-Meeting, The
Baynard Rust Hall 1265 Critic, The William J. Lampton 1336 Cupid, A
Crook Edward W. Townsend 1220 Dubious Future, The Bill Nye 1298
Educational Project, An Roy Farrell Greene 1264 Fable Ralph Waldo
Emerson 1358 Goat, The R.K. Munkittrick 1247 Happy Land, The
Frank Roe Batchelder 1389 He and She Ironquill 1250 Holly Song
Clinton Scollard 1260 How Mr. Terrapin Lost His Beard Anne Virginia

Culbertson 1328 How Mr. Terrapin Lost His Plumage and Whistle
Anne Virginia Culbertson 1360 In Defense of an Offering Sewell Ford
1248 It is Time to Begin to Conclude A.H. Laidlaw 1294 Jack
Balcomb's Pleasant Ways Meredith Nicholson 1309 Lost Inventor, The
Wallace Irwin 1385 Margins Robert J. Burdette 1297 My Cigarette
Charles F. Lummis 1292 Nonsense Verses Gelett Burgess 1244 Notary
of Périgueux Henry Wadsworth Longfellow 1251 Nothin' Done Sam S.
Stinson 1296 Omar in the Klondyke Howard V. Sutherland 1387
Prayer of Cyrus Brown, The Sam Walter Foss 1398 Rhyme for
Christmas, A John Challing 1290 Siege of Djklxprwbz, The Ironquill
1246 Skeleton in the Closet, The Edward Everett Hale 1371 Songs
Without Words Robert J. Burdette 1261 Talk John Paul 1307 Triolets
C.W.M. 1262 Two Cases of Grip M. Quad 1239 Utah Eugene Field
1305 Wicked Zebra, The Frank Roe Batchelder 1322 Winter Fancy, A
R.K. Munkittrick 1308 What She Said About It John Paul 1263
Woman-Hater Reformed, The Roy Farrell Greene 1359 Women and
Bargains Nina R. Allen 1352
COMPLETE INDEX AT THE END OF VOLUME X.

BREITMANN AND THE TURNERS
BY CHARLES GODFREY LELAND
Hans Breitmann choined de Toorners Novemper in de fall, Und dey
gifed a boostin' bender All in de Toorner Hall. Dere coomed de whole
Gesangverein Mit der Liederlich Aepfel Chor, Und dey blowed on de
drooms und stroomed on de fifes Till dey couldn't refife no more.
Hans Breitmann choined de Toorners, Dey all set oop some shouts,
Dey took'd him into deir Toorner Hall, Und poots him a course of
shprouts, Dey poots him on de barrell-hell pars Und shtands him oop
on his head, Und dey poomps de beer mit an enchine hose In his mout'
dill he's 'pout half tead!
Hans Breitmann choined de Toorners;-- Dey make shimnastig dricks;

He stoot on de middle of de floor, Und put oop a fifdy-six. Und den he
trows it to de roof, Und schwig off a treadful trink: De veight coom
toomple pack on his headt, Und py shinks! he didn't vink!
Hans Breitmann choined de Toorners:-- Mein Gott! how dey drinked
und shwore Dere vas Schwabians und Tyrolers, Und Bavarians by de
score. Some vellers coomed from de Rheinland, Und
Frankfort-on-de-Main, Boot dere vas only von Sharman dere, Und he
vas a Holstein Dane.
Hans Breitmann choined de Toorners, Mit a Limpurg' cheese he coom;
Ven he open de box it schmell so loudt It knock de musik doomb. Ven
de Deutschers kit de flavor, It coorl de haar on dere head; Boot dere vas
dwo Amerigans dere; Und, py tam! it kilt dem dead!
Hans Breitmann choined de Toorners; De ladies coomed in to see; Dey
poot dem in de blace for de gals, All in der gal-lerie. Dey ashk: "Vhere
ish der Breitmann?" And dey dremple mit awe and fear Ven dey see
him schwingen py de toes, A trinken lager bier.
Hans Breitmann choined de Toorners:-- I dells you vot py tam! Dey
sings de great Urbummellied: De holy Sharman psalm. Und