The Silly Syclopedia | Page 2

give himself an appetite for sausage links.
ANGEL. Something behind a show--and always something behind.
APE. To imitate. For instance: The man who imitates his betters is the easiest man to make a monkey of.
APPLAUSE. The fuss which we think the world ought to make over us for doing our duty.
AUTOMOBILE. A horseless idea which makes people go fast and the money go faster. A tide in the affairs of man which, taken between the shoulder blades and the curbstone, leads on to the hospital.
AXE-GRINDING. The art practiced by those who give you a cookie so they can touch you for a barrel of flour. The axe-grinding industry had its origin in the Garden of Eden. The Serpent was extremely partial to Autumn, so he gave Eve a nice red apple, and in exchange she gave the Serpent an early Fall. (See Lord Macaulay, page 34.)
[Illustration]
AIRSHIP. A machine invented for the purpose of flying through the newspapers.
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See M. Santos Dumont. In case he isn't in when you call a part of his autobiography is printed herewith: "My first yearning," writes M. Santos--see page 97--"was for an opportunity to rise in the world.
"When but a little boy my dearest wish was to get up to the top of the ladder and then have someone remove the ladder. If I stayed up I knew I was successful. If I came down I didn't know anything for a week or two."
The reader will notice a peculiarity about this gentleman's name. It starts off with "M" and then there is eight bars rest until it comes to Santos. This is a French custom. Every man in France begins his first name with "M" and then refuses to tell the rest of it. It seems such a stingy habit.
Let us quote more from M. Dumont's own story:
"My first desire to get off the earth happened while I was extremely young.
"One day while out in the Brazilian diamond fields picking the luscious white stones from the trees it suddenly occurred to me what a frivolous life I was leading.
"Diamonds, diamonds everywhere and not a place to pawn.
"I became restless.
"My father owned the diamond plantation so I went to him and explained what a tired feeling I had, and how I longed to rise in the world.
"Father at once turned about fifteen volts into his right shoe and I rose for a distance of four feet.
"I returned almost immediately, but this short flying trip made a deep impression upon my mind, and otherwise.
"Ten years later I left home just to convince my father that I could rise in the world without his kindly collaboration.
"One day while in New York I went up to the fifty-ninth floor of a sky-remover building.
"The elevator was extremely nervous that day.
"While coming down I was pained and surprised to observe that my stomach did not travel with me.
"I spoke to the _charge d'affaires_ of the elevator about it.
"I complained bitterly to him about such an inhuman invention which rushed through space with a man's exterior and left his interior to bump its way downstairs.
"The _charge d'affaires_ of the elevator told me if I did not like it to get out and fly.
"That was the inspiration which drove me to build the flying machine.
"Two weeks later I went to Paris, because that is the flyest city in the world."

[Illustration: "B--A Skin Game."]
Beauty is only a skin game after all.
Bad beginners make bad finishers.
Birds of a feather flock together on the theatre hats.
Be sure you're ahead--then go right.
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### B: The second letter of the alphabet. It is called a vocal labial consonant, which, no doubt, serves it right. ###
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BAA. To make a noise like a sheep.
BOW-WOW. To make a noise like a dog.
BIFF. To make a noise like a boxing glove.
[Illustration]
BAGGAGE. Two shirts, some underwear, one suit of clothes, six collars and a hair brush which you lost somewhere between here and Chicago.
BAD ACTOR. A man who is egged on by ambition and egged off by the audience.
BADINAGE. Light or playful discourse. For example. "Why does a chicken cross the street? Because the butcher."
[Illustration]
BAR. A place where men go to get a thirst so that they can go there again to quench their thirst.
BEETHOVEN'S SONATA. An excuse some women use for beating the face off a piano.
BIGAMIST. A man that adds one and has two to carry.
BLONDE. An abbreviation of peroxide of hydrogen.
BREEZE. A condition in the atmosphere which generally arises on a cold day, to make it colder and stays away on a hot day to make it warmer.
It is supposed to inhabit the windows, but when you look for it on a Summer night all you can see is the "gent" next door chaperoning the growler.
BUNDLE. A load of preserves. From the