The Innocents Abroad

THE INNOCENTS ABROAD

by Mark Twain

[From an 1869--1st Edition]

CONTENTS

CHAPTER I.
Popular Talk of the Excursion--Programme of the Trip--Duly Ticketed for the Excursion--Defection of the Celebrities

CHAPTER II.
Grand Preparations--An Imposing Dignitary--The European Exodus-- Mr. Blucher's Opinion--Stateroom No. 10--The Assembling of the Clans-- At Sea at Last

CHAPTER III.
"Averaging" the Passengers--Far, far at Sea.--Tribulation among the Patriarchs--Seeking Amusement under Difficulties--Five Captains in the Ship

CHAPTER IV.
The Pilgrims Becoming Domesticated--Pilgrim Life at Sea--"Horse- Billiards"--The "Synagogue"--The Writing School--Jack's "Journal"-- The "Q. C. Club"--The Magic Lantern--State Ball on Deck--Mock Trials-- Charades--Pilgrim Solemnity--Slow Music--The Executive Officer Delivers an Opinion

CHAPTER V.
Summer in Mid-Atlantic--An Eccentric Moon--Mr. Blucher Loses Confidence --The Mystery of "Ship Time"--The Denizens of the Deep--"Land Hoh"-- The First Landing on a Foreign Shore--Sensation among the Natives-- Something about the Azores Islands--Blucher's Disastrous Dinner-- The Happy Result

CHAPTER VI.
Solid Information--A Fossil Community--Curious Ways and Customs--Jesuit Humbuggery--Fantastic Pilgrimizing--Origin of the Russ Pavement-- Squaring Accounts with the Fossils--At Sea Again

CHAPTER VII.
A Tempest at Night--Spain and Africa on Exhibition--Greeting a Majestic Stranger--The Pillars of Hercules--The Rock of Gibraltar--Tiresome Repetition--"The Queen's Chair"--Serenity Conquered--Curiosities of the Secret Caverns--Personnel of Gibraltar--Some Odd Characters--A Private Frolic in Africa--Bearding a Moorish Garrison (without loss of life)--Vanity Rebuked--Disembarking in the Empire of Morocco

CHAPTER VIII.
The Ancient City of Tangier, Morocco--Strange Sights--A Cradle of Antiquity--We become Wealthy--How they Rob the Mail in Africa--The Danger of being Opulent in Morocco

CHAPTER IX.
A Pilgrim--in Deadly Peril--How they Mended the Clock--Moorish Punishments for Crime--Marriage Customs--Looking Several ways for Sunday --Shrewd, Practice of Mohammedan Pilgrims--Reverence for Cats--Bliss of being a Consul-General

CHAPTER X.
Fourth of July at Sea--Mediterranean Sunset--The "Oracle" is Delivered of an Opinion--Celebration Ceremonies--The Captain's Speech--France in Sight--The Ignorant Native--In Marseilles--Another Blunder--Lost in the Great City--Found Again--A Frenchy Scene

CHAPTER XI.
Getting used to it--No Soap--Bill of Fare, Table d'hote--"An American Sir"--A Curious Discovery--The "Pilgrim" Bird--Strange Companionship-- A Grave of the Living--A Long Captivity--Some of Dumas' Heroes--Dungeon of the Famous "Iron Mask."
CHAPTXR XII. A Holiday Flight through France--Summer Garb of the Landscape--Abroad on the Great Plains--Peculiarities of French Cars--French Politeness American Railway Officials--"Twenty Mnutes to Dinner!"--Why there are no Accidents--The "Old Travellers"--Still on the Wing--Paris at Last----French Order and Quiet--Place of the Bastile--Seeing the Sights-- A Barbarous Atrocity--Absurd Billiards

CHAPTER XIII.
More Trouble--Monsieur Billfinger--Re-Christening the Frenchman--In the Clutches of a Paris Guide--The International Exposition--Fine Military Review--Glimpse of the Emperor Napoleon and the Sultan of Turkey

CHAPTER XIV.
The Venerable Cathedral of Notre-Dame--Jean Sanspeur's Addition-- Treasures and Sacred Relics--The Legend of the Cross--The Morgue--The Outrageious 'Can-Can'--Blondin Aflame--The Louvre Palace--The Great Park --Showy Pageantry--Preservation of Noted Things

CHAPTER XV.
French National Burying--Ground--Among the Great Dead--The Shrine of Disappointed Love--The Story of Abelard and Heloise--"English Spoken Here"--"American Drinks Compounded Here"--Imperial Honors to an American--The Over-estimated Grisette--Departure from Paris--A Deliberate Opinion Concerning the Comeliness of American Women

CHAPTER XVI.
Versailles--Paradise Regained--A Wonderful Park--Paradise Lost-- Napoleonic Strategy

CHAPTER XVII.
War--The American Forces Victorious--" Home Again"--Italy in Sight The "City of Palaces"--Beauty of the Genoese Women--The "Stub-Hunters"-- Among the Palaces--Gifted Guide--Church Magnificence--"Women not Admitted"--How the Genoese Live--Massive Architecture--A Scrap of Ancient History--Graves for 60,000

CHAPTER XVIII.
Flying Through Italy--Marengo--First Glimpse of the Famous Cathedral-- Description of some of its Wonders--A Horror Carved in Stone----An Unpleasant Adventure--A Good Man--A Sermon from the Tomb--Tons of Gold and Silver--Some More Holy Relics--Solomon's Temple

CHAPTER XIX
"Do You Wiz zo Haut can be?"--La Scala--Petrarch and Laura--Lucrezia Borgia--Ingenious Frescoes--Ancient Roman Amphitheatre--A Clever Delusion--Distressing Billiards--The Chief Charm of European Life--An Italian Bath--Wanted: Soap--Crippled French--Mutilated English--The Most Celebrated Painting in the World--Amateur Raptures--Uninspired Critics-- Anecdote--A Wonderful Echo--A Kiss for a Franc

CHAPTER XX
Rural Italy by Rail--Fumigated, According to Law--The Sorrowing Englishman--Night by the Lake of Como--The Famous Lake--Its Scenery-- Como compared with Tahoe--Meeting a Shipmate

CHAPTER XXI.
The Pretty Lago di Lecco--A Carriage Drive in the Country--Astonishing Sociability in a Coachman--Sleepy Land--Bloody Shrines--The Heart and Home of Priestcraft--A Thrilling Mediaeval Romance--The Birthplace of Harlequin--Approaching Venice

CHAPTER XXII.
Night in Venice--The "Gay Gondolier"--The Grand Fete by Moonlight-- The Notable Sights of Venice--The Mother of the Republics Desolate
CHANTER XXIII. The Famous Gondola--The Gondola in an Unromantic Aspect--The Great Square of St. Mark and the Winged Lion--Snobs, at Home and Abroad--Sepulchres of the Great Dead--A Tilt at the "Old Masters"--A Contraband Guide-- The Conspiracy--Moving Again

CHAPTER XXIV.
Down Through Italy by Rail--Idling in Florence--Dante and Galileo--An Ungrateful City--Dazzling Generosity--Wonderful Mosaics--The Historical Arno--Lost Again--Found Again, but no Fatted Calf Ready--The Leaning Tower of Pisa--The Ancient Duomo--The Old Original First Pendulum that Ever Swung--An Enchanting Echo--A New Holy Sepulchre--A Relic of Antiquity--A Fallen Republic--At Leghorn--At Home Again, and Satisfied, on Board the Ship--Our Vessel an Object of Grave Suspicion--Garibaldi Visited--Threats of Quarantine

CHAPTER XXV.
The Works of Bankruptcy--Railway Grandeur--How to Fill an Empty Treasury--The Sumptuousness of Mother Church--Ecclesiastical Splendor-- Magnificence and Misery--General Execration--More Magnificence A Good Word for the Priests--Civita Vecchia the Dismal--Off for Rome

CHAPTER XXVI.
The Modern Roman on His Travels--The Grandeur of St. Peter's--Holy Relics --Grand View from the Dome--The Holy Inquisition--Interesting Old Monkish Frauds--The Ruined Coliseum--The Coliseum in the Days of its Prime-- Ancient Playbill of a Coliseum Performance--A Roman Newspaper Criticism 1700 Years Old

CHAPTER XXVII.
"Butchered to Make a