The Diary of a Nobody | Page 2

a trial. Carrie
arranged with Borset, the butterman, and ordered a pound of fresh
butter, and a pound and a half of salt ditto for kitchen, and a shilling's
worth of eggs. In the evening, Cummings unexpectedly dropped in to
show me a meerschaum pipe he had won in a raffle in the City, and told
me to handle it carefully, as it would spoil the colouring if the hand was
moist. He said he wouldn't stay, as he didn't care much for the smell of
the paint, and fell over the scraper as he went out. Must get the scraper
removed, or else I shall get into a SCRAPE. I don't often make jokes.
April 5.--Two shoulders of mutton arrived, Carrie having arranged with
another butcher without consulting me. Gowing called, and fell over
scraper coming in. MUST get that scraper removed.
April 6.--Eggs for breakfast simply shocking; sent them back to Borset
with my compliments, and he needn't call any more for orders. Couldn't
find umbrella, and though it was pouring with rain, had to go without it.
Sarah said Mr. Gowing must have took it by mistake last night, as there
was a stick in the 'all that didn't belong to nobody. In the evening,
hearing someone talking in a loud voice to the servant in the downstairs
hall, I went out to see who it was, and was surprised to find it was
Borset, the butterman, who was both drunk and offensive. Borset, on
seeing me, said he would be hanged if he would ever serve City clerks
any more--the game wasn't worth the candle. I restrained my feelings,
and quietly remarked that I thought it was POSSIBLE for a city clerk to
be a GENTLEMAN. He replied he was very glad to hear it, and wanted
to know whether I had ever come across one, for HE hadn't. He left the
house, slamming the door after him, which nearly broke the fanlight;
and I heard him fall over the scraper, which made me feel glad I hadn't
removed it. When he had gone, I thought of a splendid answer I ought
to have given him. However, I will keep it for another occasion.
April 7.--Being Saturday, I looked forward to being home early, and
putting a few things straight; but two of our principals at the office
were absent through illness, and I did not get home till seven. Found

Borset waiting. He had been three times during the day to apologise for
his conduct last night. He said he was unable to take his Bank Holiday
last Monday, and took it last night instead. He begged me to accept his
apology, and a pound of fresh butter. He seems, after all, a decent sort
of fellow; so I gave him an order for some fresh eggs, with a request
that on this occasion they SHOULD be fresh. I am afraid we shall have
to get some new stair-carpets after all; our old ones are not quite wide
enough to meet the paint on either side. Carrie suggests that we might
ourselves broaden the paint. I will see if we can match the colour (dark
chocolate) on Monday.
April 8, Sunday.--After Church, the Curate came back with us. I sent
Carrie in to open front door, which we do not use except on special
occasions. She could not get it open, and after all my display, I had to
take the Curate (whose name, by-the-by, I did not catch,) round the side
entrance. He caught his foot in the scraper, and tore the bottom of his
trousers. Most annoying, as Carrie could not well offer to repair them
on a Sunday. After dinner, went to sleep. Took a walk round the garden,
and discovered a beautiful spot for sowing mustard-and-cress and
radishes. Went to Church again in the evening: walked back with the
Curate. Carrie noticed he had got on the same pair of trousers, only
repaired. He wants me to take round the plate, which I think a great
compliment.
CHAPTER II

Tradesmen and the scraper still troublesome. Gowing rather tiresome
with his complaints of the paint. I make one of the best jokes of my life.
Delights of Gardening. Mr. Stillbrook, Gowing, Cummings, and I have
a little misunderstanding. Sarah makes me look a fool before
Cummings
April 9.--Commenced the morning badly. The butcher, whom we
decided NOT to arrange with, called and blackguarded me in the most
uncalled-for manner. He began by abusing me, and saying he did not
want my custom. I simply said: "Then what are you making all this fuss

about it for?" And he shouted out at the top of his voice, so that all the
neighbours could hear: "Pah! go along. Ugh! I could buy up 'things' like