The Crock of Gold | Page 8

and the follies of our forefathers are of greater
importance to us than is the well-being of our posterity."
"I wouldn't say a word against that, sir," said Mee- hawl MacMurrachu.
"Cats are a philosophic and thoughtful race, but they do not admit the
efficacy of either water or soap, and yet it is usually conceded that they
are cleanly folk. There are exceptions to every rule, and I once knew a
cat who lusted after water and bathed daily: he was an unnatural brute
and died ultimately of the head staggers. Chil- dren are nearly as wise
as cats. It is true that they will utilize water in a variety of ways, for
instance, the de- struction of a tablecloth or a pinafore, and I have ob-
served them greasing a ladder with soap, showing in the process a great
knowledge of the properties of this material."
"Why shouldn't they, to be sure?" said Meehawl MacMurrachu. "Have
you got a match, sir?"
"I have not," said the Philosopher. "Sparrows, again, are a highly acute
and reasonable folk. They use water to quench thirst, but when they are
dirty they take a dust bath and are at once cleansed. Of course, birds are
often seen in the water, but they go there to catch fish and not to wash.

I have often fancied that fish are a dirty, sly, and unintelligent
people--this is due to their staying so much in the water, and it has been
observed that on being removed from this element they at once expire
through sheer ecstasy at escaping from their prolonged wash- ing."
"I have seen them doing it myself," said Meehawl. "Did you ever hear,
sir, about the fish that Paudeen MacLoughlin caught in the policeman's
hat."
"I did not," said the Philosopher. "The first person who washed was
possibly a person seeking a cheap no- toriety. Any fool can wash
himself, but every wise man knows that it is an unnecessary labour,for
nature will quickly reduce him to a natural and healthy dirtiness again.
We should seek, therefore, not how to make our- selves clean, but how
to attain a more unique and splendid dirtiness, and perhaps the
accumulated layers of matter might, by ordinary geologic compulsion,
become incorpo- rated with the human cuticle and so render clothing
un- necessary--"
"About that washboard," said Meehawl, "I was just going to say--"
"It doesn't matter," said the Philosopher. "In its proper place I admit the
necessity for water. As a thing to sail a ship on it can scarcely be
surpassed (not, you will understand, that I entirely approve of ships,
they tend to create and perpetuate international curiosity and the
smaller vermin of different latitudes). As an element wherewith to put
out a fire, or brew tea, or make a slide in winter it is useful, but in a tin
basin it has a repulsive and meagre aspect.--Now as to your wife's
washboard--"
"Good luck to your honour," said Meehawl.
"Your wife says that either the fairies or a woman with a goat's leg has
it."
"It's her whiskers," said Meehawl.
"They are lame," said the Philosopher sternly.

"Have it your own way, sir, I'm not certain now how the creature is
afflicted."
"You say that this unhealthy woman has not got your wife's washboard.
It remains, therefore, that the fairies have it."
"It looks that way," said Meehawl.
"There are six clans of fairies living in this neighbour- hood; but the
process of elimination, which has shaped the world to a globe, the ant
to its environment, and man to the captaincy of the vertebrates, will not
fail in this instance either."
"Did you ever see anything like the way wasps have increased this
season?" said Meehawl; "faith, you can't sit down anywhere but your
breeches--"
"I did not," said the Philosopher. "Did you leave out a pan of milk on
last Tuesday?"
"I did then."
"Do you take off your hat when you meet a dust twirl?"
"I wouldn't neglect that," said Meehawl.
"Did you cut down a thorn bush recently?" "I'd sooner cut my eye out,"
said Meehawl, "and go about as wall-eyed as Lorcan O'Nualain's ass: I
would that. Did you ever see his ass, sir? It--"
"I did not," said the Philosopher. "Did you kill a robin redbreast?"
"Never,'" said Meehawl. "By the pipers," he added, "that old skinny cat
of mine caught a bird on the roof yesterday."
"Hah!'' cried the Philosopher, moving, if it were pos- sible, even closer
to his client, "now we have it. It is the Leprecauns of Gort na Cloca
Mora took your wash- board. Go to the Gort at once. There is a hole
under a tree in the south-east of the field. Try what you will find in that

hole."
"I'll do that,"