The Book of Snobs | Page 8

a nature that it
might be read in Young Ladies' Schools with advantage, and studied
with profit in the Seminaries of Young Gentlemen? I put this question
to all instructors of youth--to Mrs. Ellis and the Women of England; to
all schoolmasters, from Doctor Hawtrey down to Mr. Squeers. I conjure
up before me an awful tribunal of youth and innocence, attended by its
venerable instructors (like the ten thousand red-cheeked
charity-children in Saint Paul's), sitting in judgment, and Gorgius
pleading his cause in the midst. Out of Court, out of Court, fat old
Florizel! Beadles, turn out that bloated, pimple-faced man!--If Gorgius
MUST have a statue in the new Palace which the Brentford nation is
building, it ought to be set up in the Flunkeys' Hall. He should be
represented cutting out a coat, in which art he is said to have excelled.
He also invented Maraschino punch, a shoe-buckle (this was in the
vigour of his youth, and the prime force of his invention), and a
Chinese pavilion, the most hideous building in the world. He could
drive a four-in-hand very nearly as well as the Brighton coachman,
could fence elegantly, and it is said, played the fiddle well. And he
smiled with such irresistible fascination, that persons who were
introduced into his august presence became his victims, body and soul,
as a rabbit becomes the prey of a great big boa-constrictor.
I would wager that if Mr. Widdicomb were, by a revolution, placed on
the throne of Brentford, people would be equally fascinated by his
irresistibly majestic smile and tremble as they knelt down to kiss his
hand. If he went to Dublin they would erect an obelisk on the spot
where he first landed, as the Paddylanders did when Gorgius visited
them. We have all of us read with delight that story of the King's
voyage to Haggisland, where his presence inspired such a fury of
loyalty and where the most famous man of the country--the Baron of
Bradwardine--coming on board the royal yacht, and finding a glass out
of which Gorgius had drunk, put it into his coatpocket as an
inestimable relic, and went ashore in his boat again. But the Baron sat
down upon the glass and broke it, and cut his coat-tails very much; and
the inestimable relic was lost to the world for ever. O noble
Bradwardine! what old-world superstition could set you on your knees
before such an idol as that?

If you want to moralise upon the mutability of human affairs, go and
see the figure of Gorgius in his real, identical robes, at the
waxwork.--Admittance one shilling. Children and flunkeys sixpence.
Go, and pay sixpence.
CHAPTER III
THE INFLUENCE OF THE ARISTOCRACY ON SNOBS
Last Sunday week, being at church in this city, and the service just
ended, I heard two Snobs conversing about the Parson. One was asking
the other who the clergyman was? 'He is Mr. So-and-so,' the second
Snob answered, 'domestic chaplain to the Earl of What-d'ye-call'im.'
'Oh, is he' said the first Snob, with a tone of indescribable
satisfaction.--The Parson's orthodoxy and identity were at once settled
in this Snob's mind. He knew no more about the Earl than about the
Chaplain, but he took the latter's character upon the authority of the
former; and went home quite contented with his Reverence, like a little
truckling Snob.
This incident gave me more matter for reflection even than the sermon:
and wonderment at the extent and prevalence of Lordolatory in this
country. What could it matter to Snob whether his Reverence were
chaplain to his Lordship or not? What Peerageworship there is all
through this free country! How we are all implicated in it, and more or
less down on our knees.--And with regard to the great subject on hand,
I think that the influence of the Peerage upon Snobbishness has been
more remarkabie than that of any other institution. The increase,
encouragement, and maintenance of Snobs are among the 'priceless
services,' as Lord John Russell says, which we owe to the nobility.
It can't be otherwise. A man becomes enormously rich, or he jobs
successfully in the aid of a Minister, or he wins a great battle, or
executes a treaty, or is a clever lawyer who makes a multitude of fees
and ascends the bench; and the country rewards him for ever with a
gold coronot (with more or less balls or leaves) and a title, and a rank
as legislator. 'Your merits are so great,' says the nation, 'that your

children shall be allowed to reign over us, in a manner. It does not in
the least matter that your eldest son be a fool: we think your services so
remarkable, that he shall have the reversion of your honours when
death vacates your noble