Shorty McCabe | Page 3

will all retire to the room on
the left we will get to work. The room on the left, gentlemen, on the
left!"
He had a good voice, Leonidas did, one of the kind that could go
against a merry-go-round or a German band. The crowd stopped
pushin' to listen, then some one made a break for the next room, and in
less than a minute they were all in there, with the door shut between.
Mr. Dodge tips me the wink and sails over to the specimen in the chair.
"You're Mr. Homer Fales, I take it," says he.
"I am," says the pale one, breathing hard, "and who--who the devil are
you?"
"That's neither here nor there," says Leonidas. "Just now I'm a life-boat.
Do you want to hire any of those fellows? If so--"
"No, no, no!" says Homer, shakin' as if he had a chill. "Send them all
away, will you? They have nearly killed me."

"Away they go," says Leonidas. "Watch me do it."
First he has me go in with his hat and collect their cards. Then I calls
'em out, one by one, while he stands by to give each one the long-lost
brother grip, and whisper in his ear, as confidential as if he was telling
him how he'd won the piano at a church raffle: "Don't say a word;
to-morrow at ten." They all got the same, even to the Hickey-boy
shoulder pat as he passed 'em out, and every last one of 'em faded away
trying to keep from lookin' tickled to death. It took twenty minutes by
the watch.
"Now, Mr. Fales," says Leonidas, comin' to a parade rest in front of the
chair, "next time you want to play Santa Claus to the unemployed I'd
advise you to hire Madison Square Garden to receive in."
That seemed to put a little life into Homer. He hitched himself up off'n
the middle of his backbone, pulled in a yard or two of long legs and
pried his eyes open. You couldn't call him handsome and prove it. He
had one of those long, two-by-four faces, with more nose than chin, and
a pair of inset eyes that seemed built to look for grief. The corners of
his mouth were sagged, and his complexion made you think of cheese
pie. But he was still alive.
"You've overlooked one," says he, and points my way. "He wouldn't do
at all. Send him off, too."
"That's where you're wrong, Mr. Fales," says Leonidas. "This
gentleman is a wholly disinterested party, and he's a particular friend of
mine. Professor McCabe, let me introduce Mr. Homer Fales."
So I came to the front and gave Homer's flipper a little squeeze that
must have done him as much good as an electric treatment, by the way
he squirmed.
"If you ever feel ambitious for a little six-ounce glove exercise," says I,
"just let me know."
"Thanks," says he, "thanks very much. But I'm an invalid, you see. In

fact, I'm a very sick man."
"About three rounds a day would put you on your feet," says I. "There's
nothing like it."
He kind of shuddered and turned to Leonidas. "You are certain that
those men will not return, are you?" says he.
"Not before to-morrow at ten. You can be out then, you know," says
Mr. Dodge.
"To-morrow at ten!" says Homer, and slumps again, all in a heap. "Oh,
this is awful!" he groans. "I couldn't survive another!"
It was the worst case of funk I ever saw. We put in an hour trying to
brace him up, but not until we'd promised to stay by over night could
we get him to breathe deep. Then he was as grateful as if we'd pulled
him out of the river. We half lugs him over to the elevator and takes
him up to his quarters. It wasn't any cheap hang-out, either--nothing but
silk rugs on the floor and parlor furniture all over the shop. We had
dinner served up there, and it was a feed to dream about--oysters, ruddy
duck, filly of beef with mushrooms, and all the frills--while Homer
worries along on a few toasted crackers and a cup of weak tea.
As Leonidas and me does the anti-famine act Homer unloads his
hard-luck wheeze. He was the best example of an all-round invalid I
ever stacked up against. He didn't go in for no half-way business; it was
neck or nothing with him. He wasn't on the hospital list one day and
bumping the bumps the next. He was what you might call a consistent
sufferer.
"It's my heart mostly," says he. "I think there's a leak in one of the
valves. The doctors lay it to nerves, some of them, but I'm certain about