Punch, or The London Charivari | Page 5

neither.... I really don't know what to 'ave!
Joe (_with masculine impatience_). Well, go on--take summat, can't ye!
(_MELIA selects a cup and saucer, as the simplest solution of the
problem._) I doan't carl that mooch of a show for fippence, I doan't.
Theer, gi' us 'old on it. [_He stows the china away in his side-pockets._
_Melia._ You took an' 'urried me so--else I don't know as I fancied a
cup and sarcer so partickler. I wonder if the man 'ud change it,
supposin' we was to go back and ast 'im!
Joe (_slapping his thigh_). Well, you are a gell and no mistake! Come
along back and git whatever 'tis you've a mind to. (_Returning._) 'Ere,
Master, will ye gi' this young woman summat else for this 'ere? (_He
extracts the cup in fragments._) 'Ullo, look a' that now! (_To MELIA._)
Theer, it's all right--doan't take on 'bout it.--I'll 'ave another go to make
it oop. (_He pitches ball after ball without success._) I wawn't be bett. I
lay I'll git 'un in afoor I've done! (_He is at last successful._)
Theer--now, ye can please yourself, and doan't choose nawthen' foolish
this time! (_He strolls on with lordly indifference, and is presently
rejoined by MELIA._) Well, what did ye take arter all?
_Melia._ I got so flustered like, for fear o' losin' you, I just up and took
the first that came 'andy.
_Joe._ Why, if ye ain't bin and took another cup an' sarcer! hor--hor!
that's a good 'un, that is! Take keer on it, it's cost money enough any
'ow--'t wouldn't be no bargain if it wur a 'ole tea-set! What's goin' on
'ere?
[_A venerable old Sportsman, whom the reader may possibly recollect
having met before, has collected a small crowd in a convenient corner;
his stock-in-trade consists of an innocent-looking basket, with a
linen-cover, upon which are a sharpened skewer and a narrow strip of
cloth._

_The Sportsman._ I'll undertake to show you more fun in five minutes,
than you'll get over there in two: (_with a vague suspicion that this is
rather a lame conclusion_)--in ten, I should say! This 'ere's a simple
enough little game, when you know the trick of it, and I'm on'y a
_learnin'_ it myself. I ain't doin' this for money. I got money enough to
sink a ship--it's on'y for my own amusement. Now you watch me a
doin' up this garter--keep yer eye on it. (_He coils up the strip._) It goes
up 'ere, ye see, and down there, and in 'ere agin, and then round. Now,
I'm ready to bet anything from a sovereign to a shilling, nobody 'ere can
prick the middle. I'll tell ye if ye win. I'm ole BILLY FAIRPLAY, and I
don't cheat! (_A Spotty-faced Man, after intently following the process,
says he believes he could find the middle._) Well, don't tell--that's all.
I'm 'ere all alone, agin the lot o' ye, and I want to win if I can--one dog
to a bone! (The S.-F.M. _produces a florin from a mouldy purse, and
stakes it, and makes a dab at the coil with the skewer._) No, ye're
wrong--that's outside! (_O.B.F. pulls the strip out._) By Gum, ye've
done it, after all! 'Ere's four bob for you, and I'm every bit as pleased as
if I'd won myself! 'Oo'll try next?
A Smart Young Man (_with a brilliant pin in a dirty necktie, to JOE_). I
don't see how it's done--do you?
_Joe._ Ye will if you don't take yer eyes off it--theer, I could tell ye the
middle now, I could.
_The Sp.-F.M._ Law, yes, it's simple enough. I done it first time.
_Old B.F._ Give an old man a chance to get a bit. If any party 'ere 'as
found me out, let him 'old 'is tongue--it's all I ask. (_To JOE._) You've
seen this afore, I know!
_Joe._ Noa, I ain't--but I could tell ye th' middle.
_Old B.F._ Will ye bet on it? Come--not too 'igh, but just to show
you've confidence in your opinion!
Joe (_cautiously_). I woant bet wi' ye, but I'll hev a try, just for
nawthen, if ye like!

_Old B.F._ Well, I want to see if you really do know it--so, jest for
once, I ain't no objection. (_JOE pricks the garter._) Yes, you've found
the middle, sure enough! It's a good job there was no money on--for me,
leastwise!
_The Sp.-F.M._ I've a good mind to 'ave another try.
_The Sm. Y.M._ I wouldn't. You'll lose. I could see you on'y guessed
the first time. (_The Sp. F.M., however, extracts a shilling, stakes
it--and loses._) There, I could ha' told you you was wrong--(_To
JOE_)--couldn't you?
_Joe._ Yes, he art to ha' pricked moor to waun side of 'un. (_The
Sp.-F.M. stakes another