Mr. Dooley Says | Page 2

two States. A man that
wants to be properly divoorced will have to start out an' do a tour iv our
gr-reat Republic, an' be th' time he's thurly released he may want to do
it all over agin with th' second choice iv his wild, glad heart.
"It wud be a grand thing if it cud be straightened out. Th' laws ought to
be th' same ivrywhere. In anny part iv this fair land iv ours it shud be th'

right iv anny man to get a divoorce, with alimony, simply be goin'
befure a Justice iv th' Peace an' makin' an affydavit that th' lady's face
had grown too bleak f'r his taste. Be Hivens, I'd go farther. Rather than
have people endure this sarvichood I'd let anny man escape be jumpin'
th' conthract. All he'd have to do if I was r-runnin' this Governmint wud
be to put some clothes in th' grip, write a note to his wife that afther
thinkin' it over f'r forty years he had made up his mind that his warm
nature was not suited to marredge with th' mother iv so manny iv his
childher, an' go out to return no more.
"I don't know much about marrid life, except what ye tell me an' what I
r-read in th' pa-apers. But it must be sad. All over this land onhappily
mated couples ar-re sufferin' almost as much as if they had a sliver in
their thumb or a slight headache. Th' sorrows iv these people ar-re
beyond belief. I say, Hinnissy, it is th' jooty iv th' law to marcifully
release thim.
"Ye take th' case iv me frind fr'm Mud Center that I was readin' about
th' other day. There was a martyr f'r ye. Poor fellow! Me eyes filled
with tears thinkin' about him. Whin a young man he marrid. He was a
fireman in thim days, an' th' objict iv his etarnal affection was th'
daughter iv th' most popylar saloon keeper in town. A gr-reat socyal
gulf opened between thim. He had fine prospects iv ivinchooly bein'
promoted to two-fifty a day, but she was heiress to a cellar full iv
Monongahela rye an' a pool table, an' her parents objicted, because iv
th' diffrence in their positions. But love such as his is not to be denied.
Th' bold suitor won. Together they eloped an' were marrid.
"F'r a short time all wint well. They lived together happily f'r twinty
years an' raised wan iv th' popylous fam'lies iv people who expect to be
supported in their old days. Th' impechuse lover, spurred on be th'
desire to make good with his queen, slugged, cheated, an' wurruked his
way to th' head iv th' railroad. He was no longer Greasy Bill, th' Oil
Can, but Hinnery Aitch Bliggens, th' Prince iv Industhree. All th'
diff'rent kinds iv money he iver heerd iv rolled into him, large money
an' small, other people's money, money he'd labored f'r an' money he'd
wished f'r. Whin he set in his office countin' it he often left a call f'r six

o'clock f'r fear he might be dhreamin' an' not get to th' roundhouse on
time.
"But, bein' an American citizen, he soon felt as sure iv himsilf as
though he'd got it all in th' Probate Coort, an' th' arly Spring saw him on
a private car speedin' to New York, th' home iv Mirth. He was received
with open ar-rms be ivry wan in that gr-reat city that knew the
combynation iv a safe. He was taken f'r yacht rides be his fellow Kings
iv Fi-nance. He was th' principal guest iv honor at a modest but tasteful
dinner, where there was a large artificyal lake iv champagne into which
th' comp'ny cud dive. In th' on'y part iv New York ye iver read
about--ar-re there no churches or homes in New York, but on'y hotels,
night resthrants, an' poolrooms?--in th' on'y part iv New York ye read
about he cud be seen anny night sittin' where th' lights cud fall on his
bald but youthful head.
"An' how was it all this time in dear old Mud Center? It is painful to
say that th' lady to whom our frind was tied f'r life had not kept pace
with him. She had taught him to r-read, but he had gone on an' taken
what Hogan calls th' postgrajate coorse. Women get all their book
larnin' befure marredge, men afther. She'd been pretty active about th'
childher while he was pickin' up more iddycation in th' way iv business
thin she'd iver dhream iv knowin'. She had th' latest news about th'
throuble in th' Methodist Church, but he had a private wire into his
office.
"A life spint in