Mr Dooleys Philosophy | Page 9

like quills, as Hogan says, into th' fretful porcupine or we may be doin'
a mile in five minyits flat down th' pike that leads to Cape Town
pursued be th' less fleet but more ignorant Boers peltin' us with guns
full iv goold an' bibles, but in th' pages iv histhry that our childhren
read we niver turned back on e'er an inimy. We make our own gloryous
pages on th' battlefield, in th' camp an' in th' cab'net meetin'."
"Well, 't is all r-right f'r ye to be jokin'," said Mr. Hennessy, "but there's
manny a brave fellow down there that it's no joke to."
"Thrue f'r ye," said Mr. Dooley, "an' that's why I wisht it cud be fixed
up so's th' men that starts th' wars could do th' fightin'. Th' throuble is
that all th' prelimin'ries is arranged be matchmakers an' all they'se left
f'r fighters is to do th' murdherin'. A man's got a good job at home an'
he wants to make it sthronger. How can he do it? Be throwin' out some
one that's got an akelly good job down th' sthreet. Now he don't go over
as I wud an' say, 'Here Schwartzmeister (or Kruger as th' case may be) I
don't like ye'er appearance, ye made a monkey iv me in argymint
befure th' neighborhood an' if ye continyue in business ye'll hurt me
thrade, so here goes to move ye into th' sthreet!' Not that la- ad. He gets
a crowd around him an' says he: 'Kruger (or Schwartzmeister as th' case
may be) is no good. To begin with he's a Dutchman. If that ain't enough
he's a cantin', hymn singin' murdhrous wretch that wuddent lave wan iv
our counthrymen ate a square meal if he had his way. I'll give ye all
two dollars a week if ye'll go over an' desthroy him.' An' th' other la-ad,
what does he do? He calls in th' neighbors an' says he: 'Dooley is
sindin' down a gang iv savages to murdher me. Do ye lave ye'er wurruk
an' ye'er families an' rally ar-round me an' where ye see me plug hat
wave do ye go in th' other direction,' he says, 'an' slay th' brutal inimy,'
he says. An' off goes th' sojers an' they meet a lot iv la-ads that looks
like thimsilves an' makes sounds that's more or less human an' ates out
iv plates an' they swap smokin' tobacco an' sings songs together an' th'
next day they're up early jabbing holes in each other with baynits. An'

whin its all over they'se me an' Chamberlain at home victoryous an'
Kruger an' Schwartzmeister at home akelly victoryous. An' they make
me prime minister or aldherman but whin I want a man to put in me
coal I don't take wan with a wooden leg.
"I'll niver go down again to see sojers off to th' war. But ye'll see me at
th' depot with a brass band whin th' men that causes wars starts f'r th'
scene iv carnage. Whin Congress goes forth to th' sun-kissed an' rain
jooled isles iv th' Passyfic no more heartier cheer will be beard thin th'
wan or two that rises fr'm th' bosom iv Martin Dooley. Says I, give
thim th' chanst to make histhry an' lave th' young men come home an'
make car wheels. If Chamberlain likes war so much 'tis him that ought
to be down there in South Africa peltin' over th' road with ol' Kruger
chasin' him with a hoe. Th' man that likes fightin' ought to be willin' to
turn in an' spell his fellow-counthrymen himsilf. An' I'd even go this far
an' say that if Mack wants to subjoo th' dam Ph'lippeens----"
"Ye're a thraitor," said Mr. Hennessy.
"I know it," said Mr. Dooley, complacently.
"Ye're an anti-expansionist."
"If ye say that again," cried Mr. Dooley, angrily, "I'll smash in ye'er
head."

UNDERESTIMATING THE ENEMY
"What d'ye think iv th' war?" Mr. Hennessy asked.
"I think I want to go out an' apologize to Shafter," said Mr. Dooley.
"I'm like ivrybody else, be hivins, I thought war was like shootin' glass
balls. I niver thought iv th' glass balls thrainin' a dinnymite gun on me.
'Tis a thrait iv us Anglo-Saxons that we look on an inimy as a target. If
ye hit him ye get three good see-gars. We're like people that dhreams iv
fights. In me dhreams I niver lost wan fight. A man I niver saw befure

comes up an' says something mane to me, that I can't raymimber, an' I
climb into him an' 'tis all over in a minyit. He niver hits me, or if he
does I don't feel it. I put him on his back an'