Little Britain | Page 9

French, play the piano, dance quadrilles,
and had formed high acquaintances; but the Trotters were not to be
distanced. When the Lambs appeared with two feathers in their hats,
the Miss Trotters mounted four, and of twice as fine colors. If the
Lambs gave a dance, the Trotters were sure not to be behindhand: and
though they might not boast of as good company, yet they had double
the number, and were twice as merry.
The whole community has at length divided itself into fashionable
factions, under the banners of these two families. The old games of
Pope-Joan and Tom-come-tickle-me are entirely discarded; there is no
such thing as getting up an honest country dance; and on my attempting
to kiss a young lady under the mistletoe last Christmas, I was
indignantly repulsed; the Miss Lambs having pronounced it "shocking
vulgar." Bitter rivalry has also broken out as to the most fashionable
part of Little Britain; the Lambs standing up for the dignity of the
Cross-Keys Square, and the Trotters for the vicinity of St.
Bartholomew's.
Thus is this little territory torn by factions and internal dissensions, like
the great empire who name it bears; and what will be the result would
puzzle the apothecary himself, with all his talent at prognostics, to
determine; though I apprehend that it will terminate in the total
downfall of genuine John Bullism.
The immediate effects are extremely unpleasant to me. Being a single
man, and, as I observed before, rather an idle good-for-nothing

personage, I have been considered the only gentleman by profession in
the place. I stand therefore in high favor with both parties, and have to
hear all their cabinet councils and mutual backbitings. As I am too civil
not to agree with the ladies on all occasions, I have committed myself
most horribly with both parties, by abusing their opponents. I might
manage to reconcile this to my conscience, which is a truly
accommodating one, but I cannot to my apprehension--if the Lambs
and Trotters ever come to a reconciliation, and compare notes, I am
ruined!
I have determined, therefore, to beat a retreat in time, and am actually
looking out for some other nest in this great city, where old English
manners are still kept up; where French is neither eaten, drunk, danced,
nor spoken; and where there are no fashionable families of retired
tradesmen. This found, I will, like a veteran rat, hasten away before I
have an old house about my ears; bid a long, though a sorrowful, adieu
to my present abode, and leave the rival factions of the Lambs and the
Trotters to divide the distracted empire of LITTLE BRITAIN.

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Irving

Little Britain, by Washington Irving
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