Hell Fer Sartain | Page 8

'bout her. The pure misery of it jes made
him plumb delirious, Abe said; an' 'f Polly Ann wanted to find her
match fer languige an' talkin' out peert--well, she jes ought to strike Jeb
Somers. Fact is, stranger, Jeb Somers air might' nigh a idgit; but Jeb
'lowed he'd rack right over on Cutshin an' set up with Polly Ann
Sturgill; an' Abe tells Polly Ann the king bee air comin'. An' Polly
Ann's cousin, Nance Osborn, comes over from Hell fer Sartain (whut
runs into Kingdom-Come) to stay all night an' see the fun.
Now, I hain't been a-raftin' logs down to the settlemints o' Kaintuck fer
nigh on to twenty year fer nothin', An' I know gallivantin' is diff'ent
with us mountain fellers an' you furriners, in the premises, anyways, as

them lawyers up to court says; though I reckon hit's purty much the
same atter the premises is over. Whar you says ``courtin','' now, we
says ``talkin' to.'' Sallie Spurlock over on Fryin' Pan is a-talkin' to Jim
Howard now. Sallie's sister hain't nuver talked to no man. An' whar you
says ``makin' a call on a young lady,'' we says ``settin' up with a gal''!
An', stranger, we does it. We hain't got more'n one room hardly ever in
these mountains, an' we're jes obleeged to set up to do any courtin' at
all.
Well, you go over to Sallie's to stay all night some time, an' purty soon
atter supper Jim Howard comes in. The ole man an' the ole woman goes
to bed, an' the chil'un an' you go to bed, an' ef you keeps one eye open
you'll see Jim's cheer an' Sallie's cheer a-movin' purty soon, till they
gets plumb together. Then, stranger, hit begins. Now I want ye to
understand that settin' up means business. We don't 'low no foolishness
in these mountains; an' 'f two fellers happens to meet at the same house,
they jes makes the gal say which one she likes best, an' t'other one gits!
Well, you'll see Jim put his arm 'round Sallie's neck an' whisper a long
while--jes so. Mebbe you've noticed whut fellers us mountain folks air
fer whisperin'. You've seed fellers a-whisperin' all over Hazlan on court
day, hain't ye? Ole Tom Perkins 'll put his arm aroun' yo' neck an'
whisper in yo' year ef he's ten mile out'n the woods. I reckon thar's jes
so much devilmint a-goin' on in these mountains, folks is naturely
afeerd to talk out loud.
Well, Jim let's go an' Sallie puts her arm aroun' Jim's neck an' whispers
a long while--jes so; an' 'f you happen to wake up anywhar to two
o'clock in the mornin' you'll see jes that a-goin' on. Brother, that's settin'
up.
Well, Jeb Somers, as I was a-sayin' in the premises, 'lowed he'd rack
right over on Cutshin an' set up with Polly Ann comin' Christmas night.
An' Abe tells Polly Ann Jeb says he aims to have her fer a Christmas
gift afore mornin'. Polly Ann jes sniffed sorter, but you know women
folks air always mighty ambitious jes to SEE a feller anyways, 'f he's
a-pinin' fer 'em. So Jeb come, an' Jeb was fixed up now fittin' to kill.
Jeb had his hair oiled down nice an' slick, and his mustache was jes

black as powder could make hit. Naturely hit was red; but a feller can't
do nothin' in these mountains with a red mustache; an' Jeb had a big
black ribbon tied in the butt o' the bigges' pistol Abe Shivers could
borrer fer him--hit was a badge o' death an' deestruction to his enemies,
Abe said, an' I tell ye Jeb did look like a man. He never opened his
mouth atter he says ``howdy''--Jeb never does say nothin'; Jeb's one o'
them fellers whut hides thar lack o' brains by a-lookin' solemn an'
a-keepin' still, but thar don't nobody say much tell the ole folks air gone
to bed, an' Polly Ann jes 'lowed Jeb was a-waitin'. Fact is, stranger, Abe
Shivers had got Jeb a leetle disguised by liquer, an' he did look fat an'
sassy, ef he couldn't talk, a-settin' over in the corner a- plunkin' the
banjer an' a-knockin' off ``Sour-wood Mountain'' an' ``Jinny git aroun' ''
an' ``Soapsuds over the Fence.''
``Chickens a-crowin' on Sour-wood Mountain,
Heh-o-dee-um-dee-eedy-dahdy-dee! Git yo' dawgs an' we'll go huntin',
Heh-o-dee-um-dee-eedy-dahdy-dee!''
An' when Jeb comes to
``I've got a gal at the head o' the holler,
Heh-o-dee-um-dee-eedy-dahdy-dee!''
he jes turns one eye 'round on Polly Ann, an' then swings his chin
aroun' as though he didn't give a cuss fer nothin'.
``She won't come, an' I won't foller,
Heh-o-dee-um-dee-eedy-dahdy-dee!''
Well, sir, Nance seed that Polly Ann was a-eyin' Jeb sort o' flustered
like, an' she come