Fifteen Years in Hell | Page 6

and excited by
stimulants which will arouse to rash actions the dullest organizations. I
was invariably the last one to go to bed when night came, but not the
last to rise, for I always bounded out of bed ahead of the others; and in
this connection I can assert with truth that for over twenty years I have
not averaged over five hours of sleep out of every twenty-four during
that time. I have never found in all nature one object or occupation that
gave me more than a swiftly passing gleam of contentment or pleasure.

That the reader may clearly comprehend my present condition and
impartially judge as to my culpability in certain of my acts, I desire that
he may know the circumstances and surroundings of my childhood, for
I do solemnly aver that my sorrows and miseries were not of my own
planting in those days. While I believe that some men will be drunkards
in spite of almost everything that can be done for their relief, others
there are, no matter how surrounded, who never will be drunkards, but
solely because they abstain from ever tasting the insidious poison.
Temperament has much to do with the matter of drink, and could it be
known and properly guarded against, I believe that a majority of those
having the strongest predisposition to drink, if steps were taken in time,
could be saved from its inevitable end, which is madness and death. I
would here say to parents that it is their solemn duty to study well the
disposition and temperament of their children from the hour of their
birth. By proper training and restraint, all wrong impulses might be
corrected and the child saved from a life of shameful misery, while they
would themselves escape the sorrow which would come to them
because of the wrong-doing of the child. While no person is
particularly to blame for my misspent life, yet I can clearly see to-day
how its worse than wasted years might have been years of use and
honor. Its every step might have been planted with actions the memory
of which would have been a blessing instead of a remorse.
I have no recollection of a time when I had not an appetite for liquor.
My parents and friends of course knew that if it was taken in excess it
would lead to destruction, but in our quiet neighborhood, where little
was known of its excesses, no one dreamed of the fearful curse which
slumbered in it for me to awake. Had they had the least dread, fear, or
anticipation of it they would have left nothing undone that being done
might have saved me. My appetite for it was born with me, and was as
much a part of myself as the air I breathed. There are three kinds of
inheritances, some of money and lands, some of superior or great
talents, and others of misfortunes. For myself this misfortune was my
inheritance. It came not to me directly from my father or mother, but
from my mother's father, and seemed to lie waiting for me for three or
four generations, and the mistakes and passion of long dead great
grandparents reappeared in me, thus fulfilling, with terrible truth, the

words of the divine book. It has been gathering strength until when it
broke forth its force has become wide-sweeping, irresistible and
rushing--a consuming power, devouring and sweeping away whatever
dares to arrest its onward progress. Never, never, in those long gone
and innocent years of my childhood did my father or mother dream that
I, their much-loved child, would ever become a drunkard. If there is
anything good, manly, noble or true, that is a part of me, I am indebted
to them for it. They loved me, and I worshiped them. The
consciousness that I have caused them to suffer so much has been the
keenest sorrow of my life. My mother (blessed be the name!) is now in
heaven. When she died the light went out from my soul. A pang more
poignant than any known before pierced me through and through. My
father is living still, and I verily believe there is not a son on earth who
more truly and devotedly honors and loves his father than I mine. But I
desire to show that I am not wholly responsible for my present unhappy
condition. It is natural for every man to wish to excuse, or at least try to
soften the lines of his mistakes with palliating reasons, and this I think
right so long as the truth is adhered to, and injustice is not done any one.
I hope no one will think that I have willfully trod the road to ruin, or
sunk myself so low when I