Departmental Ditties and Barrack Room Ballads | Page 2

hours a day,
And draw his plump
retaining fee--which means his double pay.
Now, ever after dinner, when the coffeecups are brought,
Ahasuerus
waileth o'er the grand pianoforte;
And, thanks to fair Cornelia, his
fame hath waxen great,
And Ahasuerus Jenkins is a power in the
State.
STUDY OF AN ELEVATION, IN INDIAN INK
This ditty is a string of lies.
But--how the deuce did Gubbins rise?
POTIPHAR GUBBINS, C. E.,
Stands at the top of the tree;
And I
muse in my bed on the reasons that led
To the hoisting of Potiphar G.
Potiphar Gubbins, C. E.,
Is seven years junior to Me;
Each bridge
that he makes he either buckles or breaks,
And his work is as rough

as he.
Potiphar Gubbins, C. E.,
Is coarse as a chimpanzee;
And I can't
understand why you gave him your hand,
Lovely Mehitabel Lee.
Potiphar Gubbins, C. E.,
Is dear to the Powers that Be;
For They
bow and They smile in an affable style
Which is seldom accorded to
Me.
Potiphar Gubbins, C. E.,
Is certain as certain can be
Of a
highly-paid post which is claimed by a host
Of seniors--including
Me.
Careless and lazy is he,
Greatly inferior to Me.
What is the spell that you manage so well,
Commonplace Potiphar
G.?
Lovely Mehitabel Lee,
Let me inquire of thee,
Should I have riz to
what Potiphar is,
Hadst thou been mated to me?
A LEGEND
This is the reason why Rustum Beg,
Rajah of Kolazai,
Drinketh the
"simpkin" and brandy peg,
Maketh the money to fly,
Vexeth a
Government, tender and kind,
Also--but this is a detail--blind.
RUSTUM BEG of Kolazai--slightly backward native state
Lusted for
a C. S. I.,--so began to sanitate.
Built a Jail and Hospital--nearly built
a City drain--
Till his faithful subjects all thought their Ruler was
insane.
Strange departures made he then--yea, Departments stranger still, Half
a dozen Englishmen helped the Rajah with a will,
Talked of noble
aims and high, hinted of a future fine
For the state of Kolazai, on a
strictly Western line.

Rajah Rustum held his peace; lowered octroi dues a half;
Organized a
State Police; purified the. Civil Staff;
Settled cess and tax afresh in a
very liberal way;
Cut temptations of the flesh--also cut the Bukhshi's
pay;
Roused his Secretariat to a fine Mahratta fury,
By a Hookum hinting
at supervision of dasturi;
Turned the State of Kolazai very nearly
upside-down;
When the end of May was nigh, waited his
achievement crown.
When the Birthday Honors came,
Sad to state and sad to see,
Stood
against the Rajah's name nothing more than C. I. E.!

Things were lively for a week in the State of Kolazai.
Even now the
people speak of that time regretfully.
How he disendowed the Jail--stopped at once the City drain; Turned to
beauty fair and frail--got his senses back again; Doubled taxes, cesses,
all; cleared away each new-built thana; Turned the two-lakh Hospital
into a superb Zenana;
Heaped upon the Bukhshi Sahib wealth and honors manifold;
Clad
himself in Eastern garb--squeezed his people as of old.
Happy, happy Kolazai! Never more will Rustum Beg
Play to catch
the Viceroy's eye. He prefers the "simpkin" peg.
THE STORY OF URIAH
"Now there were two men in one city;
the one rich and the other
poor."
Jack Barrett went to Quetta
Because they told him to.
He left his wife at Simla

On three-fourths his monthly screw:
Jack Barrett died at Quetta
Ere the next month's pay he drew.
Jack Barrett went to Quetta.
He didn't understand
The reason of his transfer
From the pleasant mountain-land:
The season was September,
And it killed him out of hand.
Jack Barrett went to Quetta,
And there gave up the ghost,
Attempting two men's duty
In that very healthy post;
And Mrs. Barrett mourned for him
Five lively months at most.
Jack Barrett's bones at Quetta
Enjoy profound repose;
But I shouldn't be astonished
If now his spirit knows
The reason of his transfer
From the Himalayan snows.
And, when the Last Great Bugle Call
Adown the Hurnal throbs,
When the last grim joke is entered
In the big black Book of Jobs,
And Quetta graveyards give again
Their victims to the air,
I shouldn't like to be the man
Who sent Jack Barrett there.

THE POST THAT FITTED
Though tangled and twisted the course of true love
This ditty explains,
No tangle's so tangled it cannot improve
If the Lover has brains.
Ere the steamer bore him Eastward, Sleary was engaged to marry An
attractive girl at Tunbridge, whom he called "my little Carrie."
Sleary's pay was very modest; Sleary was the other way.
Who can
cook a two-plate dinner on eight poor rupees a day?
Long he pondered o'er the question in his scantly furnished quarters--
Then proposed to Minnie Boffkin, eldest of Judge Boffkin's daughters.
Certainly an impecunious Subaltern was not a catch,
But the Boffkins
knew that Minnie mightn't make another match.
So they recognised the business and, to feed and clothe the bride, Got
him made a Something Something somewhere on the Bombay side.
Anyhow, the billet carried pay enough for him to