Capitola The Madcap | Page 9

Old Hurricane upon discovering the
fraud that had been practised upon him by Black Donald?
It was told him the next morning in his tent, at his breakfast table, in
the presence of his assembled family, by the Rev Mr. Goodwin.
Upon first hearing it, he was incapable of anything but blank staring,
until it seemed as though his eyes must start from their sockets!
Then his passion, "not loud but deep," found utterance only in emphatic
thumps of his walking stick upon the ground!
Then, as the huge emotion worked upward, it broke out in grunts,
groans and inarticulate exclamations!
Finally it burst forth as follows:
"Ugh! ugh! ugh! Fool! dolt! blockhead! Brute that I've been! I wish
somebody would punch my wooden head! I didn't think the demon
himself could have deceived me so! Ugh! Nobody but the demon could
have done it! and he is the demon! The very demon himself! He does
not disguise--he transforms himself! Ugh! ugh! ugh! that I should have
been such a donkey!"
"Sir, compose yourself! We are all liable to suffer deception," said Mr.
Goodwin.
"Sir," broke forth Old Hurricane, in fury, "that wretch has eaten at my
table! Has drunk wine with me!! Has slept in my bed!!! Ugh! ugh!!
ugh!!!"

"Believing him to be what he seemed, sir, you extended to him the
rights of hospitality; you have nothing to blame yourself with!"
"Demmy, sir, I did more than that! I've coddled him up with negusses!
I've pampered him up with possets and put him to sleep in my own bed!
Yes, sir--and more! Look there at Mrs. Condiment, sir! The way in
which she worshiped that villain was a sight to behold!" said Old
Hurricane, jumping up and stamping around the tent in fury.
"Oh, Mr. Goodwin, sir, how could I help it when I thought he was such
a precious saint?" whimpered the old lady.
"Yes, sir! when 'his reverence' would be tired with delivering a
long-winded mid-day discourse, Mrs. Condiment, sir, would take him
into her own tent--make him lie down on her own sacred cot, and set
my niece to bathing his head with cologne and her maid to fanning him,
while she herself prepared an iced sherry cobbler for his reverence!
Aren't you ashamed of yourself, Mrs. Condiment, mum!" said Old
Hurricane, suddenly stopping before the poor old woman, in angry
scorn.
"Indeed, I'm sure if I'd known it was Black Donald, I'd no more have
suffered him inside of my tent than I would Satan!"
"Demmy, mum, you had Satan there as well! Who but Satan could have
tempted you all to disregard me, your lawful lord and master, as you
every one of you did for that wretch's sake! Hang it, parson, I wasn't the
master of my own house, nor head of my own family! Precious Father
Gray was! Black Donald was! Oh, you shall hear!" cried Old Hurricane,
in a frenzy.
"Pray, sir, be patient and do not blame the women for being no wiser
than you were yourself," said Mr. Goodwin.
"Tah! tah! tah! One act of folly is a contingency to which any man may
for once in his life be liable; but folly is the women's normal condition!
You shall hear! You shall hear! Hang it, sir, everybody had to give way
to Father Gray! Everything was for Father Gray! Precious Father Gray!

Excellent Father Gray! Saintly Father Gray! It was Father Gray here
and Father Gray there, and Father Gray everywhere and always! He ate
with us all day and slept with us all night! The coolest cot in the dryest
nook of the tent at night--the shadiest seat at the table by day--were
always for his reverence! The nicest tit-bits of the choicest dishes--the
middle slices of the fish, the breast of the young ducks, and the wings
of the chickens, the mealiest potatoes, the juiciest tomatoes, the
tenderest roasting ear, the most delicate custard, and freshest fruit
always for his reverence! I had to put up with the necks of poultry, and
the tails of fishes, watery potatoes, specked apples and scorched
custards-- and if I dared to touch anything better before his precious
reverence had eaten and was filled, Mrs. Condiment there--would look
as sour as if she had bitten an unripe lemon--and Cap would tread on
my gouty toe! Mrs. Condiment, mum, I don't know how you can look
me in the face!" said Old Hurricane, savagely. A very unnecessary
reproach, since poor Mrs. Condiment had not ventured to look any one
in the face since the discovery of the fraud of which she, as well as
others, had been an innocent victim.
"Come, come, my dear major, there is no harm done to you or your
family; therefore, take patience!" said Mr. Goodwin.