Bill Nyes Comic History of England | Page 7

closed out the Ethel business to Alfred.
The Danes had meantime rifled the country with their cross-guns and killed Edmund, the

good king of East Anglia, who was afterwards canonized, though gunpowder had not
then been invented.
Alfred was not only a godly king, but had a good education, and was a great admirer of
Dickens and Thackeray. (This is put in as a titbit for the critic.)
He preferred literature to the plaudits of the nobility and the sedentary life on a big
white-oak throne. On the night before his coronation his pillow was wet with tears.
And in the midst of it all here came the Danes wearing heavy woollen clothes and
introducing their justly celebrated style of honest sweat.
Alfred fought as many as eight battles with them in one year. They agreed at last to
accept such portions of the country as were assigned them, but they were never known to
abide by any treaty, and they put the red man of America to shame as prevaricators.
Thus, by 878, the wretched Saxons were at their wit's end, and have never been able to
take a joke since at less than thirty days.
Some fled to Wales and perished miserably trying to pronounce the names of their new
post-office addresses.
[Illustration: ALFRED, DISGUISED AS A GLEEMAN, IS INTRODUCED TO
GUTHRUN.]
Here Alfred's true greatness stood him in good stead. He secured a number of reliable
retainers and camped in the swamps of Somersetshire, where he made his head-quarters
on account of its inaccessibility, and then he made raids on the Danes. Of course he had
to live roughly, and must deny himself his upright piano for his country's good.
In order to obtain a more thorough knowledge of the Danes and their number, he
disguised himself as a harper, or portable orchestra, and visited the Danish camp, where
he was introduced to Guthrun and was invited to a banquet, where he told several new
anecdotes, and spoke in such a humorous way that the army was sorry to see him go
away, and still sorrier when, a few days later, armed cap-a-pie, he mopped up the
greensward with his enemy and secured the best of terms from him.
While incog., Alfred stopped at a hut, where he was asked to turn the pancakes as they
required it; but in the absence of the hostess he got to thinking of esoteric subjects, or
something profound, and allowed the cakes to burn. The housewife returned in time to
express her sentiments and a large box to his address as shown in the picture.
[Illustration: ALFRED LETTING THE CAKES BURN.]
He now converted Guthrun and had him immersed, which took first-rate, and other Danes
got immersed. Thus the national antagonism to water was overcome, and to-day the
English who are descended from the Danes are not appalled at the sight of water.

As a result of Guthrun's conversion, the Danes agreed to a permanent settlement along
the exposed portion of Great Britain, by which they became unconsciously a living
rampart between the Saxons and other incursionists.
Now peace began to reign up to 893, and Alfred improved the time by rebuilding the
desolated cities,--London especially, which had become a sight to behold. A new
stock-law, requiring the peasantry to shut up their unicorns during certain seasons of the
year and keep them out of the crops, also protecting them from sportsmen while shedding
their horns in spring, or moulting, it is said, was passed, but the English historians are
such great jokers that the writer has had much difficulty in culling the facts and
eliminating the persiflage from these writings.
Alfred the Great only survived his last victory over the Danes, at Kent, a few years, when
he died greatly lamented. He was a brave soldier, a successful all-around monarch, and a
progressive citizen in an age of beastly ignorance, crime, superstition, self-indulgence,
and pathetic stupidity.
[Illustration: ALFRED ESTABLISHED SCHOOLS.]
He translated several books for the people, established or repaired the University of
Oxford, and originated the idea, adopted by the Japanese a thousand years later, of
borrowing the scholars of other nations, and cheerfully adopting the improvements of
other countries, instead of following the hide-bound and stupid conservatism and
ignorance bequeathed by father to son, as a result of blind and offensive pride, which is
sometimes called patriotism.
[Illustration: KING ALFRED TRANSLATED SEVERAL BOOKS.]

CHAPTER V.
THE TROUBLOUS MIDDLE AGES: DEMONSTRATING A SHORT REIGN FOR
THOSE WHO TRAVEL AT A ROYAL GAIT.
The Ethels now made an effort to regain the throne from Edward the Elder. Ethelwold, a
nephew of Edward, united the Danes under his own banner, and relations were strained
between the leaders until 905, when Ethelwold was slain. Even then the restless Danes
and frontier settlers