The Golden Honeymoon

The Golden Honeymoon
Ring Lardner

First published Cosmopolitan, July, 1922

MOTHER says that when I start talking I never know when to stop. But
I tell her the only time I get a chance is when she ain't around, so I have
to make the most of it. I guess the fact is neither one of us would be
welcome in a Quaker meeting, but as I tell Mother, what did God give
us tongues for if He didn't want we should use them? Only she says He
didn't give them to us to say the same thing over and over again, like I
do, and repeat myself. But I say:
"Well, Mother," I say, "when people is like you and I and been married
fifty years, do you expect everything I say will be something you ain't
heard me say before? But it may be new to others, as they ain't nobody
else lived with me as long as you have."
So she says:
"You can bet they ain't, as they couldn't nobody else stand you that
long."
"Well," I tell her, "you look pretty healthy."
"Maybe I do," she will say, "but I looked even healthier before I
married you."
You can't get ahead of Mother.
Yes, sir, we was married just fifty years ago the seventeenth day of last
December and my daughter and son-in-law was over from Trenton to

help us celebrate the Golden Wedding. My son-in-law is John H.
Kramer, the real estate man. He made $12,000 one year and is pretty
well thought of around Trenton; a good, steady, hard worker. The
Rotarians was after him a long time to join, but he kept telling them his
home was his club. But Edie fnally made him join. That's my daughter.
Well, anyway, they come over to help us celebrate the Golden Wedding
and it was pretty crimpy weather and the furnace don't seem to heat up
no more like it used to and Mother made the remark that she hoped this
winter wouldn't be as cold as the last, referring to the winter previous.
So Edie said if she was us, and nothing to keep us home, she certainly
wouldn't spend no more winters up here and why didn't we just shut off
the water and close up the house and go down to Tampa, Florida? You
know we was there four winters ago and staid five weeks, but it cost us
over three hundred and fifty dollars for hotel bill alone. So Mother said
we wasn't going no place to be robbed. So my son-in-law spoke up and
said that Tampa wasn't the only place in the South, and besides we
didn't have to stop at no high price hotel but could rent us a couple
rooms and board out somewheres, and he had heard that St. Petersburg,
Florida, was the spot and if we said the word he would write down
there and make inquiries.
Well, to make a long story short, we decided to do it and Edie said it
would be our Golden Honeymoon and for a present my son-in-law paid
the difference between a section and a compartment so as we could
have a compartment and have more privatecy. In a compartment you
have an upper and lower berth just like the regular sleeper, but it is a
shut in room by itself and got a wash bowl. The car we went in was all
compartments and no regular berths at all. It was all compartments.
We went to Trenton the night before and staid at my daughter and
son-in-law and we left Trenton the next afternoon at 3.23 P.M.
This was the twelfth day of January. Mother set facing the front of the
train, as it makes her giddy to ride backwards. I set facing her, which
does not affect me. We reached North Philadelphia at 4.03 P.M. and we
reached West Philadelphia at 4.14, but did not go into Broad Street. We
reached Baltimore at 6.30 and Washington, D.C., at 7.25. Our train laid

over in Washington two hours till another train come along to pick us
up and I got out and strolled up the platform and into the Union Station.
When I come back, our car had been switched on to another track, but I
remembered the name of it, the La Belle, as I had once visited my aunt
out in Oconomowoc, Wisconsin, where there was a lake of that name,
so I had no difficulty in getting located. But Mother had nearly fretted
herself sick for fear I would be left.
"Well," I said, "I would of followed you on the next train."
"You could of," said Mother, and she pointed out that she had the
money.
"Well," I said, "we are in