Punch, Or The London Charivari | Page 3

addressing a few observations upon our unfortunate position) have ignored a larger number of bills than usual; still the present case is before the Court, and I must dispose of it. Can you assist us in any way, Mr. PERPLEBAGGE?
Counsel for the Prosecution (_smiling_). I am afraid not, my Lord.
Judge. Well, I suppose I have no alternative but to order the Prisoner to be taken back to--
Prisoner. To the place I was in last night? No, thankee!--not me! Look here, gemmen all, we knows one another, don't we? Well, just to oblige you--as Darmoor ain't 'alf bad in the summer, and as in course I did do it--I plead guilty!
Judge (_with a sigh of relief_). Prisoner at the Bar, we are infinitely beholden to you! [_Passes regulation sentence with grateful courtesy._
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THE INVECTIVE OF H-RC-RT.
(_A FRAGMENT IN HEXAMETERS, NOT BY GEORGE MEREDITH._)
[Illustration]
Heigh me! brazen of front, thou glutton for Ground Game, how can one, Servant here to thy mandates heed thee among the Tories? Surely thy mission is fudge, oh, DAWNAY, Conservative Colonel! I, Sir, hither I fared on account of the cant-armed Sportsmen, Pledged to the combat; they unto me have in no wise a harm done, Never have they, of a truth, come putting my Hares and my Rabbits, Never in deep-soiled Hampshire, the nurser of heroes and H-RC-RTS, Ravaged; but if I found them among my trampled Carnations, Hares or Rabbits, or gun-bearing Tories, by Jingo, I'd pot 'em! O hugely shameless! Thee shall we follow to do an injustice Unto the farmers, seeing the Hares a-munching their crops up? I do not sit at the feet of the blatant Bordesley Gamaliel, Or of the unregenerate Agricultural Minister. Close time? Fudge! The Hares were intended at last to perish Either by sounding gun or the gaping jaws of the greyhound. Food for the people? Cant! The promotion of Sport is the purpose Plain of this pestilent Bill, which neutralises the victory Won, with much labour, by Me, my gift to the sons of the furrow. DAWNAY talks as though the Hare were a "domiciled animal." Shows what a deal he knows of Hares--save the pleasure of killing 'em. Shall I give the nourishing farmers up to this pillage? Nay, sure mine were the hands did most in the storm of the combat, Ay, and when peradventure we share the booty amongst us, After the General Election, the Tories may find--but no matter-r-r! Surely a time will come,--not a "close time" that for the Tories,-- I being outraged, then will give them particular pepper!
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HEARTHILY WELCOME.
1900 (_Somewhere about_).--Introduction into London of new Patent Smokeless Fuel, as experimentally exhibited in 1891 before the Prince of WALES and Empress FREDERICK in York Road, King's Cross. A few public-spirited householders insist on their cooks using it in the kitchen. Cooks of public-spirited householders unanimously give warning. No quotation of Fuel Company's shares on Stock Exchange.
1900 (_Later_).--Very reforming Parliament just returned. Use of new Fuel made compulsory. Fuel shares go up from a nominal 2s. 6d. a share to ￡437 6s. 8d. at a bound.
1901.--London already much cleaner. Only two fogs (white) in whole of last winter. Consequent intense surprise of old residents, cabmen, link-boys, porters, and pickpockets.
1902.--Retirement of several individuals, who declare they "liked the good old London fogs," to Black Country. Statue in Parian marble of inventor of new Fuel blocks erected on Thames Embankment.
1904.--Government buys up patent rights of Company, at ruinous sacrifice. A Minister of Chimneyculture appointed, with Cabinet rank. Blocks reduced in price, and sold at all Post Offices across the counter. Postal messengers, on receipt of telephonic orders, bring truckfuls to any address within ten minutes.
1905.--Green veils come into general use this summer, to keep off glare from white stone houses and other buildings in West-End of London. Several cases of partial loss of sight from extreme whiteness of dome of St. Paul's. Dean ordered (by County Council) to have dome lamp-blacked. Dean declines. Vote of thanks to him from resident staff of Ophthalmic Hospital.
1906.--Owing to surprising and overpowering health of inhabitants (caused by total absence of smoke and fogs), County Council establishes Gymnasia, Rowing Matches, and free public Pugilistic Contests, in order to work off surplus muscular energies of population.
1907.--Emigration of 2000 Doctors (who have no work to do) to one of General BOOTH's Colonies at South Pole. Show (in Temple Gardens) of delicate ferns and roses grown in atmosphere of Strand.
1908.--Strike of Whitewashers, Laundresses, and House Painters, against lack of employment. Go about singing, "Oh, call the Fog-Fiend back to us!" with refrain, "Oh, when the Fogs were here with us, Would we had used them more!"
1909.--Last surviving Chimney-sweeper, provided with a well-ventilated chamber at Madame Tussaud's. Special charge of sixpence for adults, threepence for children, made for