Nothing to Eat

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Title: Nothing to Eat
Author: Horatio Alger [supposed]
Release Date: June, 2004 [EBook #5868]?[Yes, we are more than one year ahead of schedule]?[This file was first posted on September 15, 2002]
Edition: 10
Language: English
Character set encoding: ASCII
? START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK NOTHING TO EAT ***
Produced by Charles Aldarondo, Charles Franks?and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team
[Illustration: "PROTESTING, EXCUSING, AND SWEARING A VOW,?SHE'D NOTHING WORTH EATING TO GIVE US FOR DINNER."]
NOTHING TO EAT.
Illustrated.
NOT
By the Author of "Nothing to Wear"
"I'll nibble a little at what I have got."
--"My appetite's none of the best.?And so I must pamper the delicate thing."
--The least mite will suffice:?A side bone and dressing and bit of the breast.?The tip of the rump--that's it--and one of the fli's"
NEW YORK:
1857
Entered according to the Act of Congress, in the year 1857, by EDWARD O. JENKINS,
in the Clerk's Office of the District Court for the Southern District of New York.
Respectfully Dedicated
TO ALL LADIES "DYING WITH DYSPEPSIA.
"Where fashion and folly are all of a suit."
BY A JOLLY GOOD NATURED AUTHOR.
CONTENTS.
THE ARGUMENT
THE PROOF--THE QUEEN OF FASHION
THE OBJECT AIMED AT
WHAT ANOTHER POET DID
HOW THE AUTHOR SOMETIMES DINES
MERDLE THE BANKER
PLACES WHERE MORTALS DINE
THINGS THAT MORTALS EAT THERE
THE INVITATION
THE MERDLE ORIGIN
MRS. MERDLE AT HOME
MRS. MERDLE GOES TO MARKET
THE DINNER-BELL RINGS
THE DINNER TABLE TALK
MRS. MERDLE DOUBTS PARADISE'S UNEATING PLEASURES
MRS. MERDLE DISCOURSETH OF THINGS EARTHLY
MRS. MERDLE DISCOURSETH OF THINGS EATABLE
MRS. MERDLE ORDERETH THE SECOND COURSE
MRS. MERDLE DISCOURSETH OF HYGIENE AND FISH SAUCE
MRS. MEEDLE DESCRIBETH HER DOCTOR
MRS. MERDLE DISCOURSETH AGAIN ON DINNER
MRS. MERDLE ACCEPTETH OF A SLIGHT DINNER, SUITABLE FOR A WOMAN SUFFERING WITH DYSPEPSIA.
MRS. MERDLE DISCOURSETH OF WISHES AND HER SUFFERING
MRS. MERDLE DISCOURSETH OF PUDDING
MRS. MERDLE DISCOURSETH OF THE NECESSITY OF GOOD WINE AND OTHER MATTERS
MRS. MERDLE SUGGESTETH THAT DINNER BEING FINISHED, THE GENTLEMEN WILL SMOKE. IN THE MEANTIME, SHE DISCOURSETH
MRS. MERDLE, HAVING "NIBBLED A LITTLE" FOR TWO HOURS AT DINNER, RETIRETH FROM THE TABLE UNSATISFIED
THE POET MORALIZETH.--HE DISCOURSETH TO THOSE WHO GORGE AND COMPLAIN
HE DISCOURSETH OF THE WHEREFORE OF BACHELORISM
HE DISCOURSETH OF WHAT SOME MORTALS LIVE FOR
HE IMPLORETH MERCY UPON THOSE WHO ARE CONDEMNED WITH FASHIONABLE FOLLY TO MARRY, AND ILLUSTRATETH THEIR CONDITION
HE IMPLORETH MERCY FOR OTHER UNFORTUNATE BEINGS
HE DISCOURSETH OF A COMMON PRAYER
HE DISCOURSETH OF TROUBLE AND SORROW
HE MORALIZETH UPON WHAT A DAY MAY BRING FORTH
HAVING REACHED THIRTYSIXTHLY, THE AUTHOR IS ABOUT TO MAKE THE "APPLICATION," AND PRAY FORGIVENESS, BUT CONCLUDES BY REMAINING INCOG
ILLUSTRATIONS.
PLATE I, NOTHING TO EAT
PLATE II, THE "DINING SALOON"
PLATE III, THE INVITATION TO DINNER
PLATE IV, KITTY MALONE'S INHERITANCE
PLATE V, THE MEAT MARKET
PLATE VI, THE DINNER
PLATE VII, THE WATER CURE
PLATE VIII, AFTER DINNER
Nothing To Eat.
Not by the Author of "Nothing to Wear."
The Argument
THOUGH famine prevails not at all in the city;?Though none of starvation have died in the street;?Yet many there are now exciting our pity,?Who're daily complaining of nothing to eat.
The every-day cry and the every-day fare,?That's every day heard where the Livewells are dining,?Is nothing to eat, or else nothing to wear,?Which naked and starving rich Merdles are whining.
There's Kitty Malone--Mrs. Merdle 'tis now--?Was ever on earth here before such a sinner;?Protesting, excusing and swearing a vow,?She'd nothing worth eating to give us for dinner.
Why Kitty, if starving for want of a meal,?And had'nt a cent in the world to buy meat,?You wouldn't exclaim with a more pious zeal,?"I'm dying of hunger--we've nothing to eat!!"
The Proof--the Queen of Fashion
The point I advance, if it need confirmation,?I'll prove by a witness that few will dispute,?A pink of perfection and truth in the naion?Where fashion and folly are all of a suit.
'Tis "Merdle the banker"--or rather his wife,?Whose fashion, religion, or music, or dress,?Is followed, consulted, by many through life,?As pilots are followed by ships in distress;?For money's a pilot, a master, a king,?Which men follow blindly through quicksands and shoals,?Where pilots their ships in a moment might fling?To destruction the vessel and cargo and souls.
'Twas money made Kitty of fashion the queen,?And fortune